Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder
Separation Anxiety Disorder is well recognized as a juvenile psychiatric disorder, but it appears to be rarely diagnosed in adulthood.[1] It has traditionally been characterized and assessed as a disorder that is unique to childhood. Yet the core symptoms of Separation Anxiety — excessive and often disabling distress when faced with actual or perceived separation from major attachment figures — may persist or even arise during adulthood.[2]
Fifteen years ago Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder (ASAD) did not exist, at least as far as the psychiatric community was concerned. ASAD has only been recognized as a specific mental disorder since the late 90′s, with the pioneering work of Vijaya Manicavasagar of the Psychiatry Research and Teaching Unit, Liverpool Hospital, New South Wales, Australia. He said in 1997 that:[3]
[A]dults may experience: wide-ranging separation anxiety symptoms, such as extreme anxiety and fear, when separated from major attachment figures; avoidance of being alone; and fears that harm will befall those close to them. … Separation anxiety disorder may be a neglected diagnosis in adulthood.
Katherine Shear, M.D. is a professor of psychiatry at Columbia University and the lead investigator of an important new study. She finds recent research setting ASAD apart from childhood Separation Anxiety Disorder unsurprising. She says:[4]
Our group in Pittsburgh, as well as colleagues in Australia and in Italy, has observed adult separation anxiety disorder in clinical populations for a number of years now. It is clear that this is an identifiable syndrome.
Just what is Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?
Separation Anxiety Disorder is a psychological condition in which an individual has excessive Anxiety regarding separation from places or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment. In children, the strong emotional attachment is likely to a parent; in Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder, the attachment might be to a spouse or friend.
Separation Anxiety Disorder should not be confused with Separation Anxiety, which occurs as a normal stage of development for healthy, secure babies. Separation Anxiety typically starts at around 8 months of age and increases until 13-15 months, when it begins to decline.
If Americans were asked to give examples of ASAD, they might cite the classic Hollywood film “Casablanca,” where Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) clings to Rick (Humphrey Bogart) shortly before they part forever. Or they might point to the Hollywood thriller “Psycho,” where lead character Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) sleeps next to his mother long after she has died.[5]
A sample case of ASAD is that of “Stacy,” who was treated by Katherine Shear successfully (see “What is the treatment for Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?” below, for more details on her treatment.):[6]
Stacy (not her real name) was an accomplished professional woman in her 30′s. But she couldn’t stand not knowing exactly where her husband was, or being away from him for long. She disliked golf, but accompanied him to every weekend game. It got so bad that if she couldn’t immediately contact him at work, she would leave her own office to find him, even though she knew she was behaving irrationally. She just couldn’t bear being out of touch.
Infant Separation Anxiety is one of the most strongly preserved behaviors in human beings. Given the importance of attachment relationships in adulthood, ASAD may be more easily elicited in adults than is commonly recognized, and might be the norm under certain extreme life circumstances.[7] (See “What’s in the future for Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder research?” below for more information.)
Separation Anxiety would appear to be a core form of Anxiety that is associated with anxious attachment. Nevertheless, as yet no research has examined the relationship of attachment styles to ASAD. In his research, Manicavasagar found that those with ASAD had a prominent Need for Approval and Preoccupation with Relationships attachment styles.[8]
What is the prevalence of Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?
A new finding that rocks the boat is that ASAD is actually more prevalent than childhood Separation Anxiety Disorder. Katherine Shear and her colleagues produced a groundbreaking study of ASAD in 2006, based on thousands of respondents to the National Comorbidity Survey Replication, a national mental health survey taken between 2001 and 2003.[9][10]
Shear found that, while the lifetime estimate of childhood Separation Anxiety Disorder was 4.1 percent, the adult estimate for ASAD was 6.6 percent. [11] In the current American population, that’s 20,207,408 adults who will suffer with ASAD in their lifetimes! Shear believes these numbers are low:[12]
Because separation anxiety disorder is only rarely diagnosed among adults in treatment, documentation of nontrivial prevalence and clinical significance would point to a problem of low recognition and treatment.
Approximately one-third of adults (36.1 percent) had a childhood case of Separation Anxiety Disorder that persisted into childhood. However, the vast majority (77.5 percent) of adults with ASAD had its first onset of the disorder in adulthood. The ages of onset of ASAD are ranked as follows:[13]
- 30-44 years at onset
- 18-29 years at onset
- 45-59 years at onset
- 60+ years at onset
The accompanying chart shows that most childhood cases of Separation Anxiety Disorder begin the illness in early or middle childhood. Adult-onset cases of ASAD begin in late teens or early 20′s, with 80 percent of all first onsets occurring by age 30.[14]
More women than men suffer from ASAD[15]. And Separation Anxiety Disorder, both the adult and the childhood versions, seems to run in families. Manicavasagar states the results of one of his studies showed that:[16]
Sixty-three percent of children diagnosed with juvenile separation anxiety disorder had at least one parent who suffered from the putative adult variant of the disorder. Affected parents reported high levels of separation anxiety in their own childhoods.
What are the diagnostic criteria for Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV) of the American Psychiatric Association is the standard used in the US and UK for diagnosing mental disorders. Since it was published last in 1994, it does not treat ASAD as a separate diagnosis. It only mentions obliquely that adults may have a disorder similar to childhood Separation Anxiety Disorder.[17]
The ICD-10 Classification of Mental and Behavioural Disorders (ICD), published by the World Health Organization in 1992, is the standard in some other parts of the world. Its entry on Separation Anxiety Disorder does not mention adults at all. Its diagnostic criteria are roughly the same as those of the DSM-IV.[18]
The diagnostic criteria for Separation Anxiety Disorder in the DSM-IV are as follows:[19]
A. Developmentally inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those to whom the individual is attached, as evidenced by three (or more) of the following:
- Recurrent excessive distress when separation from home or major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.
- Persistent and excessive worry about losing, or about possible harm befalling, major attachment figures.
- Persistent and excessive worry that an untoward event will lead to separation from a major attachment figure(e.g.; getting lost or being kidnapped).
- Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or elsewhere because fear of separation.
- Persistent and excessively fearful or reluctant to be alone or without major attachment figures at home or without significant adults in other settings.
- Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure or to sleep away from home.
- Repeated nightmares involving the theme of separation.
- Repeated complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) when separation from major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.
B. The duration of the disturbance is at least 4 weeks.
C. The onset is before age 18 years.
D. Part 1 OR Part 2
- Part 1. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress.
- Part 2. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic (occupational), or other important areas of functioning.
E. The disturbance does not occur exclusively during the course of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Schizophrenia, or other Psychotic Disorder and, in adolescents and adults, is not better accounted for by Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia.
Associated Features:[20]
- Depressed Mood
- Somatic [bodily] or Sexual Dysfunction
- Anxious or Fearful or Dependent Personality
Differential Diagnosis:
Some disorders have similar or even the same symptoms. The clinician, therefore, in his diagnostic attempt, has to differentiate against the following disorders which he needs to rule out to establish a precise diagnosis.
Pervasive Developmental Disorders:
- Schizophrenia, or other Psychotic Disorders
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder
- Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia
- Agoraphobia Without History of Panic Disorder
- Conduct Disorder
- Developmentally appropriate levels of separation anxiety.
Who is most affected by Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?
There are more women than men with ASAD. However, men are more likely than women to have the first onset of ASAD in adulthood.[21]
The odds of being not married are elevated both among those who had childhood Separation Anxiety Disorder and those with ASAD. This suggests that childhood Separation Anxiety Disorder might be a risk factor for subjects remaining unmarried and, once married, for marital instability. The marital status of adults with ASAD are ranked as follows:[22]
- Separated, widowed, or divorced
- Never married
- Married or cohabiting
Education seems to play a large role in an adult’s susceptibility to ASAD. Those with fewer years of education are more likely to suffer from ASAD than those who have more years. The number of years of education among those with ASAD are ranked:[23]
- 0-11 years of education
- 12 years of education
- 13-15 years of education
- 16+ years of education
ASAD plays havoc with employment, with a large portion of ASAD sufferers being unemployed or employed in a non-traditional manner. It is not known whether ASAD caused the unemployment, or if the ASAD was triggered by the unemployment. The following list shows the employment status of ASAD sufferers in rank order:[24]
- Unemployed or non-traditional employment
- Employee
- Homemaker
- Retiree
- Student
How does Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder affect your life?
ASAD takes a dreadful toll on a person’s life and on the lives of those around them. For the person with ASAD the recurring distress, worrying, fear and sleep disturbances make every day a confusing and torturous experience.[25] For those who are the “subject of attachment” — the spouse, friend, parent, etc — the continual clinginess, neediness, and drama of life with a person with ASAD can be almost more than one can take.
ASAD is extremely hard on relationships. Many people cannot handle such neediness in a partner. Those with childhood Separation Anxiety that persists into adult life may not be able to form stable romantic relationships at all. As noted above, people with ASAD are much more likely not to have been married or to be divorced or separated.
The suffering of ASAD can take many faces: Adults may endure ASAD when dealing with a marital separation, a rocky relationship, or the death of a loved one. Occasionally, a parent may struggle with ASAD as a child becomes more socialized and less dependant upon mom or dad for companionship.[26]
ASAD is often linked to personal and social impairment. As noted above, ASAD is associated with roughly doubling of the odds that a sufferer will have low (0–12 years) education, be unemployed, and be unmarried or experiencing marital disruption. This is consistent with the findings of several studies that ASAD can be seriously damaging to one’s life.[27][28]
The following table shows the personal and social impairment experienced by people with ASAD:[29]
Housework
- Any personal and social impairment: 56.1 percent
- Severe personal and social impairment: 21.1 percent
Work
- Any personal and social impairment: 51.6 percent
- Severe personal and social impairment: 21.7 percent
Personal relationships
- Any personal and social impairment: 66.6 percent
- Severe personal and social impairment: 28.0 percent
Social relationships
- Any personal and social impairment: 66.4 percent
- Severe personal and social impairment: 31.5 percent
Maximum impaired performance in any role area
- Any personal and social impairment: 73.4 percent
- Severe personal and social impairment: 45.0 percent
Those with two or more simultaneous mental disorders often report significant impairment in their daily roles. Nearly half of the respondents in Shear’s study experienced severe role impairment if their ASAD was associated with another mental disorder.
But “pure” ASAD can be debilitating, too: One-fourth of those with ASAD alone reported severe role impairment. Because this is the case, the question arises whether co-occurring ASAD accounts for some of the impairment previously attributed to other Anxiety, mood, or substance use disorders alone. None of the many studies that estimated the societal costs of these co-occurring conditions included ASAD as a possible contributor to impairment.[30] (See “Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder and other mental disorders” below for more information.)
Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder and other mental disorders
ASAD often occurs along with other psychiatric conditions, especially other Anxiety Disorders or mood disorders. Research findings indicate that up to 91.1 percent of people with ASAD could be classified as meeting the criteria for at least one other mental disorder found in the DSM-IV.[31][32]
People with ASAD are nearly three times as likely to become addicted to illegal drugs, compared to those without the disorder. They are nearly five times more likely to have an additional Anxiety Disorder and four times more likely to have a mood disorder.[33] Katherine Shear, lead author of one of the most important ASAD studies to date, says:[34]
I think that separation anxiety disorder is a vulnerability factor for all kinds of mental health problems.
There is a question that has not been fully answered by research up to this point: Which comes first, ASAD or other mental disorders? There is compelling research that indicates that ASAD predates other DSM-IV Axis I disorders,[35] which include depression, Anxiety Disorders, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia.[36][37] This means that the ASAD could actually cause other mental disorders.
In addition, a significant proportion of people with Anxiety Disorders tend to relapse, or remain significantly symptomatic, despite improvements in medications and psychiatric therapy. Theorists have proposed that untreated attachment anxieties and Separation Anxiety Disorder occurring along with other mental disorders contribute to the ineffectiveness of treatment.[38] In other words, if co-occurring ASAD is untreated, it tends to cause the treatment to be ineffective or fail entirely.
The following table lists the most common co-occurring mental disorders that appear with ASAD:[39]
Anxiety Disorders
- Panic Disorder: 14.8 percent
- Agoraphobia without Panic Disorder: 5.8 percent
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD): 16.1 percent
- Specific phobias: 35.8 percent
- Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD or Social Phobia): 34.5 percent
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): 23.7 percent
- Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): 9.9 percent
- Any other Anxiety Disorder: 65.6 percent
Mood Disorders
- Major depressive disorders: 40.8 percent
- Dysthymia: 8.9 percent
- Bipolar disorder: 19.4 percent
- Any mood disorder: 61.7 percent
Substance Abuse
- Alcohol abuse: 33.1 percent
- Alcohol dependence: 20.1 percent
- Drug abuse: 22.5 percent
- Drug dependence: 12.6 percent
- Any substance abuse disorder: 35.9 percent
Any mental disorder: 88.5 percent
It has also been found that adults with borderline personality disorder (BPD) have higher rates of Separation Anxiety Disorder than others — around 31 percent. The relationship is not explained by the presence of Panic Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), or multiple Anxiety Disorders. It was found also that the duration of ASAD was longer than in borderline personality disorder patients without ASAD.[40]
Why has Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder not been studied before now?
There seems to be a number of factors at play in the reason why ASAD has not been recognized as a separate diagnosis from childhood Separation Anxiety Disorder. First, psychiatry’s diagnostic manual, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), only mentions it in passing as a part of the childhood disorder. Katherine Shear says that:[41]
…part of the problem is that it’s not highlighted as a separate condition for adults [in the DSM-IV]. In the book, the entry on the childhood diagnosis notes that it can continue into adulthood, and the diagnostic criteria for some other anxiety disorders suggest ruling it out. But ASAD does not have its own entry.
In defense of the DSM-IV, it was published in 1994, well before research began that clearly showed a separate diagnosis was needed for ASAD. And the ICD-10 Classification of Mental and Behavioural Disorders, mostly used in Europe and Asia, was published in 1992. These publication dates are long before research indicated that ASAd was a separate diagnosis.
Another reason is that ASAD is often mistaken for other Anxiety or mood disorders, particularly Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia.[42] This is especially true if childhood Separation Anxiety Disorder persists into adulthood, where its symptoms may be overlooked, or obscured by other mental disorders.[43] Notably, it was only in early 2009 that research was completed that:[44]
…finally dispel the notion that separation anxiety and anxious attachment are relevant to panic disorder with agoraphobia, suggesting instead that that constellation is confined to a separate group, namely that of adult separation anxiety disorder.
What is the treatment for Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?
Due to the recentness of the separate diagnosis for ASAD, there is no standard treatment for the disorder. Most therapies treat it similarly to other Anxiety Disorders with a combination of medication and therapy, especially a form of cognitive behavioral therapy called exposure therapy. Exposure therapy is often used to treat phobias. It involves slowly increasing the person’s ability to tolerate a stressful situation.
The person named Stacy, whose story was told above in the “Just what is Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?” section, was treated successfully by Katherine Shear. She used an antidepressant similar to Prozac that also helps reduce obsessive thinking. In addition, Shear used cognitive behavioral therapy, along with exposure therapy, to slowly increase Stacy’s tolerance of separation from her husband. Working with the couple together, Shear gradually helped Stacy learn how to cope with longer and longer periods without her husband by helping her see that each increment didn’t result in catastrophe. When one situation or time period was no longer stressful, another would be tackled.[45]
Sadly, the majority of people with ASAD remain untreated, even though many obtain treatment for co-occurring mental conditions such as Anxiety Disorders or depression. The vast majority of patients are treated for co-occurring conditions rather than for ASAD. Less than one-third of patients with ASAD (31.9 percent) report that ASAD was ever a focus of their treatment. This suggests that treatment providers often fail to recognize ASAD in the context of other co-occurring mental conditions.[46]
Although those age 60 and older represent the smallest group of adults with ASAD, the number is still significant. This age group is subject to more separations from friends and loved ones due to moves to another city to be close to children, moves to a nursing home, and deaths. Clinicians working with the elderly need to routinely explore ASAD as it may complicate how other Anxiety and affective disorders appear in the patient, and require specific forms of intervention.[47]
The upshot of all the new research on ASAD means that psychiatrists and other mental health care professionals need to be much more vigilant about the condition. Katherine Shear says:[48]
They need to be aware of the occurrence, prevalence, and comorbidities [co-occurance] of this syndrome, which could be confused with agoraphobia and which could complicate another Axis I disorder [such as Anxiety Disorders and depression], since it is co-occurring with so many. Following the principle of measurement-based care, it will be very important to follow these symptoms in patients who are treated for adult separation anxiety and/or co-occurring conditions.
What’s in the future for Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder research?
As mentioned, ASAD started being recognized as a distinct disorder in the late 1990′s. Since then research has proven that it is very different from childhood Separation Anxiety Disorder. Still, the absence of research on the treatment of ASAD suggests that researchers have largely overlooked this disorder, along with psychiatrists and other mental health care professionals.[49]
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is currently being revised, and the new edition is due out in 2012. The committees working on the revision must take into account the distinctness of ASAD from childhood Separation Anxiety Disorder in the new edition. As it stands in the current edition, the diagnostic criteria mention ASAD only in passing, concerning itself almost entirely with the childhood disorder.[50][51] In considering the possible revision of diagnostic criteria for adults, it would be useful to focus on issues of symptom overlap with other mental disorders, and the differences of ASAD with a number of the disorders mentioned above.[52]
The treatment of ASAD is only in its infancy. It relies on treatments for other Anxiety Disorders and the intuition of psychiatrists and other mental health professionals. Therapies specific to ASAD need to be developed, especially the modification of conventional exposure-based cognitive-behavioral treatments, to provide better strategies that address ASAD.[53]
Other directions for future research are:[54][55]
- The extent that dependence of family members and others on each other is culturally determined and acceptable, and when it is pathological.
- When the pain of separation from a loved one during war, natural disasters, or other dire circumstances is to be expected, and when it is not.
- What are normal and abnormal responses to the loss of a loved one through death?
- Whether co-occurring mental disorders involving ASAD are because of overlapping symptoms, imprecision of diagnostic criteria, or other factors that confound evaluation and treatment.
- Whether the mental disorders involved in co-occurrances with ASAD cause it, and if so, whether early successful treatment of Separation Anxiety Disorder in childhood and early adulthood would lower the rates of secondary ASAD.
- Whether adult separation anxiety disorder has any effect on the persistence or severity of other co-occurring mental disorders.
Updated April 13, 2009
FOOTNOTES
1. Manicavasagar, Vijaya; Silove, Derrick; Curtis, J. (1997, September). Separation anxiety in adulthood: a phenomenological investigation. Retrieved April 6, 2009 from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9298320?dopt=Abstract ↑
2. Cyranowski, Jill; Shear, Katherine; Rucci, Paola; Fagiolini, Andrea; Frank, Ellen; Grochocinski, Victoria; Kupfer, David; Banti, Susanna; Armani, Antonella, Cassano, Giovanni. (2001, December 27). Adult separation anxiety: psychometric properties of a new structured clinical interview. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6T8T-44SHD6X-2&_user=10&_rdoc=1&_fmt=&_orig=search&_sort=d&view=c&_acct=C000050221&_version=1&_urlVersion=0&_userid=10&md5=30c67985bd9fb567c38bdfd342440796#_jmp0_ ↑
3. Manicavasagar, Vijaya; Silove, Derrick. (1997, April). Is there an adult form of separation anxiety disorder? A brief clinical report. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9140640 ↑
4. Staff of Insight Journal. (2007). Adult separation anxiety often overlooked. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://www.anxiety-and-depression-solutions.com/articles/news/071706_sep_anxiety.php ↑
5. Arehart-Treichel, Joan. (2006, July 7). Adult Separation Anxiety Often Overlooked Diagnosis. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/41/13/30 ↑
6. Szalzvitz, Maia. (2006). Pathological Clinginess: Study: Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder is prevalent yet poorly understood. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://health.msn.com/health-topics/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100235522 ↑
7. Shear, Katherine; Jin, Robert; Meron Ruscio, Ayelet; Walters, Ellen; Kessler, Ronald. (2006, June). Prevalence and Correlates of Estimated DSM-IV Child and Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/163/6/1074 ↑
8. Manicavasagar, Vijaya; Silove, Derrick; Marnane, Claire; Wagner, Renate. (2009, February 2). Adult attachment styles in panic disorder with and without comorbid adult separation anxiety disorder. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://www.informaworld.com/smpp/content~content=a907922151~db=all~jumptype=rss#_jmp0_ ↑
9. Staff of Insight Journal. (2007) ↑
10. Arehart-Treichel, Joan. (2006, July 7).↑
11. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June). Table 1 ↑
12. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June).↑
13. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June). Table 2 ↑
14. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June). Figure 1 ↑
15. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June).↑
16. Manicavasagar, Vijaya; Silove, Derrick; Rapee, Ronald; Waters, Felicity; Momartin, Shakeh. (2001, May 2). Parent-child concordance for separation anxiety: a clinical study. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6T2X-42YDM3K-D&_user=10&_rdoc=1&_fmt=&_orig=search&_sort=d&view=c&_acct=C000050221&_version=1&_urlVersion=0&_userid=10&md5=0b88db10b139bd52283a4a2d3efc2007 ↑
17. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Association. 1994. ↑
18. The ICD-10 Classification of Mental and Behavioural Disorders. Geneva: World Health Organization. 1992. ↑
19. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition.↑
20. Staff of PsychNet-UK. (2000). Separation Anxiety Disorder. Retrieved April 6, 2009 from http://www.psychnet-uk.com/dsm_iv/separation_anxiety_disorder.htm ↑
21. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June).↑
22. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June). Table 2 ↑
23. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June). Table 2 ↑
24. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June). Table 2 ↑
25. Staff of Depression Perception. (2006). Separation Anxiety Disorder. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://www.depressionperception.com/anxiety/anxiety_conditions/separation_anxiety_disorder.asp#_jmp0_ ↑
26. Staff of All About Life Challenges. (2009). Is adult separation anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder the same thing? Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/adult-separation-anxiety-faq.htm ↑
27. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June).↑
28. Staff of Insight Journal. (2007) ↑
29. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June). Table 4 ↑
30. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June).↑
31. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June).↑
32. Wijeratne, Chanaka; Manicavasagar, Vijaya. (2002, September 11). Separation anxiety in the elderly. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6VDK-46RCS0B-6&_user=10&_rdoc=1&_fmt=&_orig=search&_sort=d&view=c&_acct=C000050221&_version=1&_urlVersion=0&_userid=10&md5=2d783326f3f9f29f343c838507b168cd ↑
33. Szalzvitz, Maia. (2006).↑
34. Szalzvitz, Maia. (2006).↑
35. Staff of PsyWeb.com. (2009). Axis I. Retrieved April 13, 2009 from http://psyweb.com/Mdisord/DSM_IV/jsp/Axis_I.jsp ↑
36. Manicavasagar, Vijaya; Silove, Derrick; Curtis, J. (1997, September).↑
37. Manicavasagar, Vijaya; Silove, Derrick; Wagner, R. (2000, January). Continuities of separation anxiety from early life into adulthood. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://bases.bireme.br/cgi-bin/wxislind.exe/iah/online/?IsisScript=iah/iah.xis&src=google&base=ADOLEC&lang=p&nextAction=lnk&exprSearch=10770232&indexSearch=ID ↑
38. Kirsten, Laura; Grenyer, Brin; Wagner, Renate; Manicavasagar, Vijaya. (2008, March). Impact of separation anxiety on psychotherapy outcomes for adults with anxiety disorders. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://www.informaworld.com/smpp/35862073-66953207/content~db=all~content=a790668570~tab=content ↑
39. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June). Table 3 ↑
40. Aaronson, Cindy. (2001). Separation anxiety disorder in adults with borderline personality disorder. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://academiccommons.columbia.edu:8080/ac/handle/10022/AC:P:4570 ↑
41. Szalzvitz, Maia. (2006).↑
42. Arehart-Treichel, Joan. (2006, July 7).↑
43. Manicavasagar. (2000, January).↑
44. Manicavasagar. (2009, February 2).↑
45. Szalzvitz, Maia. (2006).↑
46. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June).↑
47. Wijeratne. (2002, September 11).↑
48. Staff of Insight Journal. (2007).↑
49. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June).↑
50. Manicavasagar. (2009, February 2).↑
51. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June).↑
52. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June).↑
53. Kirsten. (2008, March).↑
54. Staff of Insight Journal. (2007).↑
55. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June).↑
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Growing up I would always cry and get extremely anxious if seperated from my mother. I would always try to stay home from from school just so that we wouldnt be parted. My anxiety was so bad that when I started first grade I would cling to my mothers legs and cry, It got so bad that I was kept at home for another year before starting school (I was the youngest in the grade so this was allowed). I was always a bit of a loner (still am at age 18) and preferred to be in my own company except for that of my mother. I wouldnt dare wander away in a public place like the shops for fear of getting lost.
As I got older I hated to even stay with relatives overnight and wouldnt even want to have sleepovers at my bestfriends. There were times when I tried to be brave but I wouldnt be able to sleep and would wake up my friends mother and say I was sick so that I could be taken home. Even in my early teens if I couldnt avoid stayed at a friends I would silently cry myself to sleep.
When I moved in with my (now ex) boyfriend and his parents to be closer to school at age 15 I would still cry myself to sleep and want to be with my mother. As my mother now had other children who needed love and attention I became more attached to my boyfriend. We stayed together for over three years but I started to resnt the person he had become and didnt even know what my own feelings were so I ended the relationship.
I moved on quickly, moved in with my my new boyfriend and his family almost straight away. I was still confused about my feelings towards my ex, they were completely blocked. I immediately formed an attachment to my current boyfriend and until now (1 year on) we have not been parted for longer than 8 hours.
Now my boyfriend is on a holiday in another country with his father for 10 days and my anxiety is out of control. All I can think is that something bad might happen or that he will enjoy being away from me. As I do not have friends of my own I feel that I crowd him but I cannot bear to be parted. All I can do is cry, I have spent the day trying to distract myself with mad cleaning and exercise. Even valium has failed to calm me down. I feel like there is something wrong with me! I crave to be near only one person and am otherwise very antisocial. I am constantly worried that he will leave me and I fall into a downward spiral. I am only writing this to distract myself.
Hi Nikki, I empathize with you re: your anxiety and panic over separation from your loved ones. I too have struggled with this since I was a child. My separation anxiety became extreme during a year where there was severe trauma going on in my family, my mother was dying and my father abandoned us. I cried myself to sleep every night. I felt scared all the time. I was nauseated every day and had a bad headache, abdominal pain daily as well. I felt very confused, guilty and began to use food to numb my anxiety. It didn’t really work, but it was all I could come up with to cope. I also started praying a lot and reading the Bible compulsively hoping to find the answer to my pain and constant anxiety. I never did find the answer, until many years later when I picked up a book called Healing the Child Within. This was the beginning of my turning around. It still took a lot of setbacks and struggles to get to where I am now. I still get anxiety when separated from my partner. I have been practicing deep breathing, developing relationships with other people, doing social activities, reading and reviewing what I have learned to cope, talking with the professionals who support me every week, and participating in 12 step programs for ACOA and for my addiction to painkillers, benzodiazepens and alcohol that I developed in my attempt to stay alive and functional. I am functioning better now than I ever did before in my life. I enjoy my life more than I ever did since I was about 7 years old. My life is not perfect, but I usually feel that it is worth living. When I am backsliding I ask for extra help from my psych, family doctor, sponsors in AA and Al-Anon for Adult Children. My cat is my companion who I have been bonding with more over the past year. It used to be that my anxiety was so high I could not connect to her.
The Sidran Foundation has a great collection of PDF and published resources on Trauma and Post Traumatic Stress which I have found very helpful as well.
Don’t give up…keep searching for what you need. If you are worn out, just be very kind to yourself and try to do good things for yourself. I know that separation anxiety does not just go away…and I also know how very uncomfortable and incapacitating it is. I wish I had more to tell you…but you are not alone with this. I understand at least some of what you are going through. K.
K, thankyou for your words already you have helped me to understand and connect some dots I completely missed.
I too had a traumatic childhood, events which I have never revealed that happened, not even spoken of them, even though I have had the chance many many times.
I didnt really have a normal childhood. My parents were seperated but still living together, ofcourse as a young child I didnt understand this all I knew was that they had different bedrooms. My younger sister has a form of epilepsy that decreases brain function over time. By the age of three she was having constant fits and the medication prescribed made it worse. My mother would have to stay in hospital with her for weeks on end. Even now my sister who is 16 cannot talk or communicate at all and cannot use the toilet. She smiles when she is happy and cries when she is sad but cannot differentiate between bad and good, right and wrong. Ultimately my parents seperated for good and my father moved away, although I still see him a few times a year. I sometimes wonder if it was my upbringing that has made it so hard to connect with people. I always feel like im hiding something and if anyone found out I dont know what I’d do so I try to avoid people as much as possible.
I dont think im rude or mean or unlikeable. I always ask myself why dont I have friends? Im nice, im funny (sometimes), im kind, i dont have any strange social habits (except for being anti social anyway)and im not an axe murderer. But in reality I just push people away, if im invited out I will make an excuse and stay home.
I cannot connect with animals, which I hate because I know im an animal lover at heart. My boyfriend has a cat (an old family pet) that is very affectionate and loves humans, personality like a dog, but I just cant connect with it, im even anti social towards animals! My boyfriend wants to get a puppy and while I want this too I cant help but feel as though I wont be able to connect with it and it will just make me feel miserable. I fear that if I have children the same thing will happen with them. I want children one day but only if I can connect with and love them wholeheartedly.
My boyfriend is still away and I think I might go stay with family but im scared I will get homesick aswell as the anxiety of being away from my partner. I have a constant sick feeling.
I have been told to see a proffessional but I just cannot open up and talk to people. I pretend that everything is fine.
Hi Nikki, Like you I was unable to open up with people…how I finally got started was by writing by myself, and then after several years of doing this, I finally started taking the risk to show my writing to someone I trusted. It was slow for quite a while because even in writing I could not verbalize everything inside of me. I also did artwork and played the piano and flute…to express how I felt inside…it helped release some of the pain, pressure, etc. which I could not understand or explain. I recommend trying any form of expression that works for you…scribbling, painting, singing, dance, music, drumming, writing…whatever helps you to begin to let out some of what is inside…When you are able…try to allow at least one person you trust who treats you well…to witness, hear or see that expression of yours..even if it is just a tiny bit.
i have been suffering from separation disorder since i was about 4. i am now 21 and live a normal life, my upbringing was fine and i can function regularly in society. but my problem is i cannot stay away from home or travel. when i was only young i would never go to any sleepovers or stay at any relatives houses without my mother, father or brother. but as i got older this got worse, i am now unable to stay away from home even if i am with one of these people. it seems that now i have a fear of been separated from my home. my parents and brother have traveled and left me alone at home, to begin with i was a little nervous but have never had a panic attack. as i am now 21 my friends are traveling and wanting to go on holidays with me. but due to ASAD i cannot accompany them. i tell them i have a fear of flying as i am too scared to let them know of my problem. i have tried so hard to keep this from them, all of my best friends have no idea i suffer from this and i dont know how they will react so i do not tell them. if we go to a party or go out and stay the night away from home i find myself drinking until i pass out or am too drunk to realise that i am staying away from home. i have never had a serious relationship with a girl because of my problem. when things get too serious i end it because i overthink the situation and worry about having to stay at her house or the fact that the relationship may end once she knows i have ASAD and we can never travel or have a normal relationship. i am successful in my profession but its not really a chosen profession as i was too scared of finding a job and being alone. instead i just worked with my brother and in turn i ended up in a job i have no interest in at all. i also had many opportunities to travel the world for sporting reasons but my ASAD held me back from doing that, due to this i could not reach my full potential and have stopped playing at an elite level . i have tried hypnotherapy, medicines and psychologists. these have helped in some aspects but nothing has changed dramatically. i would really like to find a complete cure. i just want to travel the world and start a family, but i feel this will never happen unless i get help to conquer ASAD.
Is there any cure for this ?? We are both retired and married 30 years. Life was fine & almost bearable before 2007. My husband, an intelligent man, has no friends owing to an unsocial job he had, always had the control prob but since 2007 when he has had 7 surgeries (1 major surgery and 6 hernies) life is very difficult. He would never take up the phone to call anyone he knows. We have no family and no brothers or sisters each. After the major prostate surgery, I was not allowed outside the door for almost the year without him. Since then there’s a row anytime I go to my part time job and worse if I go out with my friends for a meal, cinema whatever just to have a chat. Its worse going to meet friends than work. Its all unnecessary according to him. I am worn down at this stage. I dont tell him of any of my appointmts until very close to time as the rows are too much. I am the worst in the world. Its always my fault. Then again when he is in good form life is fine, I a super star, but now the fun is gone. Both 60. I have never been away from him for an overnight since 2007. Now I am booked to go a 7 day holiday with friends as he wont go away there’s constant rows now as he says he would not be able to handle it. I have good relatives who could “mind him”. Would like to hear some views.
There is not a “cure”…however, there is help and it can definitely improve with effective professional counselling, possibly some medication to deal with the anxiety/panic your husband seems to be experiencing.
You, yourself are on the right track as far as you are continuing to have some social life outside of the relationship with him. You may find support for yourself if there is a mood disorders support group, or something along that line in your community.
I am not a professional or a counsellor, but I have personally lived with severe anxiety disorder symptoms throughout most of my life. I have learned how to cope better, so that when I am close to someone…my partner for example, I am able to take better care of my own needs, and to develop relationships with other people so that I do not place all of my emotional needs on my partner.
I used to do that to my ex-husband and it totally destroyed our marriage. We tried counselling, but my husband would not open up, and I was so overwhelmed with my symptoms at that time, that nothing helped. Here I am, 20 years later, finally learning how to take care of myself emotionally.
It doesn’t have to take that long.
There is a book called Talking to Anxiety which might help you know better how to respond to his anxiety.
He himself must take responsibility for his anxiety…with help…if he ever wants to feel and function better. It really IS POSSIBLE…tell him because I KNOW…I have definitely been there. I know how absolutely terrifying it is to be alone even for a few minutes when anxiety is ruling. I know how very threatening it feels to have the one I love go out the door, even for 5 minutes..or to leave the room to talk on the phone with someone other than me.
I used to feel stupid, powerless, humiliated, scared, embarrassed, ashamed, and very very depressed when I was in the throes of my anxiety disorder.
There are lots of books out there to help a person understand anxiety better. The ones that have helped me the most are the ones that write about it from the inside..from real life experiences.
One excellent workbook I would recommend is Edmund Bourne’s Beyond Anxiety and Phobias.
However, I must say that I believe that professional help is very important…vital…otherwise, the person with the anxiety disorder cannot get themselves out..it is like drowning. A “lifeguard” (good counsellor, and possibly psychiatrist) is NEEDED.
I wish you both well..you deserve to find a way out of this terrible trap..there really is hope. Put out your best effort…one day at a time..do not expect progress to come all at once. It takes time..but really…with little steps of courage and affirmation it can really get better.
GT,
It is so nice to read such a familiar situation, as I am 24 facing almost the same exact challenges. I cling to my Mom, Dad, boyfriend, and most recently it bothers me to even leave my cat for a long period of time. I can remember 1 time throughout my childhood that I stayed over at a friends house, and it was my best friend that I feel as if my second family, I cried myself to sleep. I even would get upset if I stayed the night at my grandparents house (who lived in the same town) as I always had the constant worry that something bad was going to happen to my parents. They then divorced when I was in 6th grade, but I was lucky that they had a “civil” separation, and we live in a town of under 100 people, so I was able to see them both whenever I wanted. When I graduated from high school I went to a vocational school 50 miles from home & was able to live away from home for 6 months until I was home for Christmas & ended up moving back home. I currently now live with my boyfriend, but am still very attached to my parents (we all live in the same town), but still have a very difficult time staying away from my home, which is to me is my safety net. But like you I would like to be able to go away for a long weekend to visit his family or just have a nice weekend away just the 2 of us, but the constant fear of being away from home/my parents makes it very difficult. I have talked to numerous different therapists, been on Zolfot since I was in 7th grade, and most recently have tried biofeedback, or take the ‘edge’ off for sometime. I have been told that its something that I will face my entire life I just want to get a better handle on it….but it seems like every time I find something that is working I end up back at square 1.
I am very thankful for this site to be able to talk with people that know what I am going thru, because I honestly do feel at times that I am the only one, and it is very reassuring to know other people are out there.
(GT if you would like to talk more I would be more than happy to chat via email.)
I can sympathize with the different ones with ASAD. Although i have not got it. I am working with a patient who is consumed by her Asad. She is improving dramatically. When i say consumed i mean to the point of suicide attempts. Which as a practioner of natural therapy i have witnessed four times in relation to herself. Her disorder goes back to the womb. I know the mother and fathers history. They are both chronic Asad victims even now in their eighties. Using EFT( emotional freedom techinque) Doyletics, Dianetics and HFA Homoeopathy. These are powerful tools as they take the patient back to the start of all of this trauma . To get back is not that easy but starting at the latest Asad event and going through it with them until they trauma starts to to diffuse. This opens the way to go back further and further until the catalyst or begining is reached and diffused. At this point it also needs replacing with a positive selfesteem image. This can take months years depending on what else is intangled in this web. You can look up the tools above on the internet to see if they may be able to help you. I have just started using the Alpha stim machine that helps regulate the brain chemistry it seems. In normalizing the brain chemistry this i hope will push out old negative patterns that hold us in negative life patterns.
hey JH, i would be more then happy to chat via email.
it would be good to talk about this with someone that knows where i am coming from.
i speak with my parents sometimes but i feel as though they never really understand.
my email address is grazza101@hotmail.com
i look forward to hearing from you.
Hi. I just read the article and that sounds like me. Me and my fiance have been together almost three years and he has three kids and I have three kids and we have a 16 month baby together. Life is crazy and I have always suffered with depression and anxiety throughout childhood and even now and my doctor has just recommended that he goes to some of my counseloring appointments with me. He told me today that it’s like I have separation anxiety when I am away from him and I think he is right. I get so sad and I feel all alone and my anxiety gets worse. I want to get better. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I am on the other side of the ASAD. I have a friend that has ASAD so bad, she has fought through so much of it but when it comes to the attachment to me it is so bad. Most of the time she does really well she holds a job, raises her children, works in the church and does so much more than she use to. When she goes through rough times, which is almost every week, she wants to physically cling and has to be with me as much as she can. Then when we are together I cant hardly leave her sight or she is wondering where I am looking for me. She wants to know when I am at church so she can be there at the same time, she wont hardly leave if we don’t leave the same time. She don’t understand why I don’t want to be with her all the time. She tries to be the perfect friend, and if she thinks I am upset with her oh mercy it takes a long time to talk her through it. She thinks if she was a better friend I would be with her all the time. She has gone through childhood sexual abuse. Then married a man who physically, mentally and sexually abused her. Then lost her 17 years old son in a fire. She was finally able to brake free from her x-husband. She has had 6 close family members die within 3 years. Her body is ravaged from the abuse she fights fibromyalgia, depression among other things. I can not get her to go for help. She is on meds. We live in a very remote area and not much help is offered. I try so hard to be there for her. She tries so hard not to cling but I know the only reason she don’t is because she knows it bothers me, but her anxiety and drive to touch over takes her and she does hold onto me. After we do talk she goes over and over the conversation and then if she thinks there is one thing I just might be upset over the text me about, sometimes days later. The I am sorry, and I did not mean to are constant even though they are not necessary. I will keep working through because she is my friend. I do love and support her and always will.
Hello everyone
I was talking to my bf today about the moodiness and depression I seem to be going thru without any reason I could actually put a finger on. I shrugged it off as my period (his family’s return for holiday coincides with the beginning of my period.) but I know in the back of my head that it is not as this is one of the worst that I’ve experienced and nothing I do seems to help. He joked then that I might be going thru separation anxiety (like a golden retriever) and it hit me that it might actually be true. I did not say anything then and i began researching about it when I got home, and as I read I realize alot of it clicks with what I feel and going thru.
See the thing is, I’ve never known about separation anxiety for humans. I know dogs could suffer from it but I never thought it could apply to people. Now I realize that it might have been because my childhood separation anxiety problem has never been treated and now it is affecting me in my adult life.
I used to cling on to my mom, crying whenever she goes out without me and worrying when she took longer then expected to return home. I would imagine that something bad happened to her and start panicking. I guess it didn’t help that whenever I cried my sister would get angry and start hitting me. I was also sexually abused at home and hence why I never liked staying home, even until now. So the conflicting thing is that although I cling on to my mom then, when the abuse started (I think I was about 7 or 8?) I begin to hate staying home and I would find means and ways to just not be home. I guess I turn to clinging on to my friends and bfs instead of my mom.
I used to jump from 1 relationship to another, like, within days of breaking up. I was young then and i did not actually put real feelings into the relationship, i just needed someone to be with me all the time. I’ve always thought that I do that because I hate being lonely (i still do) and that it was normal like what everyone else was going thru. It has since stabilized after i turn older and I thought nothing much of it. I did not notice until now that I’ve always expected my bfs to spend almost all their time with me, companying me everywhere.
My current bf, whom i truly love and have been with for about 1 1/2 years, has one of the most stable family i have seen. Although he used to company me everywhere and spend most of the time with me, he doesn’t find the need to and as the novelty of a new relationship wears off, our relationship relaxes and he begins to want a little more time to himself. Which, of course, set me off and I begin to be insecure (didn’t help that I also have a little self esteem issues *sigh*), worrying about him not loving me as much etc etc. I hate myself for feeling like a desperate, childish kid and I force myself to be okay with the new arrangements. Things did improve for a time though whenever there’s new changes it would trigger a new episode of insecurities. Now, this time round his family is back, and though it’s not the first time, this would be the longest. It would be about 1 1/2 months and he would also be pursing further education in April when his national service ends (just in case you are not sure what is it, it’s a Singaporean thing that every guy has to go thru for 2 years). It means a massive reduction of time spent from now till april because he would be with his family (which is killing me to be honest) and along with the big worry that he might fall in love with another girl when he starts school. I feel like I am being really stupid, but at the same time I fear losing him and I’m like having this war inside me. I wanna show a tough and not bothered appearance because I don’t want him to see how badly affected I am (yeah, my pride) and also because i dont wish to scare him off with my need to cling to him. At the same time I really feel like I about to break down because I don’t know how to handle this and I can’t open up to him because 1, I hadn’t known until now that I might be going thru ASAD and 2, I’m afraid to.
So in this whole week I have been really moody and sensitive, and feeling ill to the point where I couldn’t go work. I tried meeting up with my friends but that doesn’t do anything except to distract me for a short while until I am home again, and putting another fake mask just made me just rather not go out with them at all. So I’m kinda stuck because I don’t want to stay home but I don’t want to go out with my friends either. It’s only when in the 2 times I saw my bf in this week that my mood then becomes significantly better and I’m more like my usual self. *sigh* I’m not too sure how to proceed on. I think I am a mild case and my period probably just made me feel worse but i’m so sick and tired of feeling like this. I don’t wish to smother my bf but I can’t help what I feel.. Sometimes I think I am a freak =(
So yeah, that’s my story. I’m really sorry for such a long post but I needed to unload after discovering ASAD and looking back into my past. Which I don’t know if I am relieved because it would mean that’s something solid that I can now tackle on or if I am upset because it means my childhood traumas are still here with me. =( what should I do?
Dear Sha,
I too like you have just discovered ASAD, I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend as I go to university and he works back in our home town. At first when I moved away I thought my sadness was due to the fact we had never been sepirated before but a year and a half on and I still cry and beg him not to leave when he has to go in the morning (I see him two days a week).
The main event that seemed to trigger my realisation that I had a problem was when he got accepted into his first choice university. I am very happy for him to have been accepted but the university is about 300 miles away from where I live and there is no guarentee that I will be able to go with him. Once I knew about this I started getting very anxious whenever he or his parents and friends spoke about him going away.
This caused me to overcompinsate and I tried to be the perfect girlfriend so he would feel like he did not want to leave me and move away. This of course did not work and I also felt guilty for trying to stop him going for his dream.
Then one night I had the worst panick attack I have ever experienced. He was over at the time and I was so bad I had to keep going to the bathroom to calm down. The panick attack lasted a further 2 days I didn’t leave my room and I did not eat. I unfortunatley did not have the courage to tell him what was happening until about 3 weeks later when I decided to see a doctor. I had some blood tests for anxiety and they all came back negative, but I am going to go back to see about therapy.
I decided to look back into my childhood for answers. I do not have a very good relationship with my mother, when I was little if she wasen’t at work she would leave me with her friends older children and go out. Because of this I was brought up mainley by my grandma. It only just occured to me that I do cling to my grandma she brought me up and when I visit home I spend more time with her than with my mother. A
Urgh accidentally pressed enter :/
I also realised that I clung to my best friend through school and would often stay at her house to avoid being at home and fighting with my mother.
The ASAD was also one of the causes for the break up of my last relationship (not the one I am in now). It was a very dark time with lots of fighting and crying and I am only just recovering with the help of my boyfriend.
My advice to you is to speak to your boyfriend about it as a breakdown of communication only makes things worse. Then I would go and see a doctor and tell them what you are feeling and when you are feeling it. you could even print this page out to show them incase they are unfamiliar with the condition as it is only a recent discovery.
Also if you are on a form of hormonal birth control this can affect your moods and make small conditions more prominent.
(I have found there is a direct like between when I changed to the combined pill and the frequency of my ASAD)
I hope this helps sorry for the long posts :S I just want you to know that you are not alone :D
A Friend x
You’re all very courageous to be able to admit to yourselves and others that you’re going through this, and I’m sure that such self-awareness is the first step toward overcoming these problems.
I’ve posted lots of times before on my own ASAD problems, and commented on others’. For now, I just wanted to add a conversation I had with my younger sister the other day, after she had a session with a psychiatric counsellor.
The anxiety in our family (which is otherwise well-adjusted, sane and successful, like many of the other posters here) stems from our grandfather, who suffered from severe psychiatric problems which made him very violent toward his children. Our mother, I think, unintentionally passed on her justified anxiety for the safety of herself and her siblings to me and my sister, and we’ve both grown up with an outlook on life that sees the future as one of almost certain peril awaiting us. In that light, the most normal of future-based thoughts, such as whether a loved one will get back from town safely, instinctively become a terror that “something bad has happened”. I don’t blame my mother in any way at all for this – it’s a miracle she survived her childhood so well, and she’s mentally a very strong person otherwise – and approach it as a sad but undeniable part of my mental make-up.
My sister’s counsellor straight away recognised the behaviour patterns for what they are, and quite accurately called it “catastrophic anticipatory anxiety”. He asked her to reflect, next time she finds herself in one of these panicky states, on how it’s hardly surprising that she reacts like this, given how she learned this behaviour in early childhood. She has started thinking to herself “I feel anxious about this future event, but it’s not surprising that I feel that way, because this was the way I saw my mother reacting to the same kind of unthreatening event. There’s no reason for me to be anxious.”
I’m finding that this realisation, deeply digested and reflected upon, has started to quell that future anxiety panic that I get. Hope it might be of use to others, if they feel that their own anxiety might have similar roots.
I took a job in Milwaukee, Wi and live with my mother monday to friday. Friday to Sunday I drive back to Madison where my husband lives and works. We discussed this as I needed a permanent job and had been looking for almost 2 years on unemployment. He now is having problems in the bedroom with me. I am a very vivacious woman 47 who looks 30 ish I weigh 140 and am very thin. But 3 weeks ago he started having problems making love and it is still continuing. I told him we need help. We have been married 10 years now and have never had a problem. This is very hard on me the one that always comes home no matter what on weekends. To find out I cannot have what my body craves from my husband. Very disheartening. We are going to try medication from his doctor and if that doesnt work Therapy and if that doesn’t work I dont know what I am going to do as we both love each other unconditionally.
After reading the information about seperation anixety and the personal experiences, I feel compeled to add my personal experience to the record. As a child in a one parent family, parents divorced, I was under the care of my mother, soley. She for what reason is unclear, I’m sure there are many led a life of risky behavior , alcohol and drug abuse. Today I feel that she didnt understand nor did she have the capacity to know how her actions affected me then and certenly how the affect would last until I was oh, 35 I’m 43 now. She had patterns of frequently “going out ” and being the 2nd to youngest child I was her only remaining responsibility and for an irresposible person that didnt fare well for me. She and this is my recolection, would get ready, makeup , dressed, hair do..and I would recognize this as a sign of what was to happen, I remember crying and begging her not to leave this wouldnt change her plans what happend was she began to supply me with food, lots of food, that was her way of consoling me and probably her way of feeling less guilt about leaving a 7 year old child alone most of the time no actually all time in homes that were scary to adults. We were on welfare, poor, broke and you dont get much of a place to live for nothing. If the food wasnt available she would simply wait until I fell asleep then leave and when I awoke a sense of panic would overtake me and I carried it with me until I was 35 and married for 10 years. At 34 and 364 days if I woke up from a sleep and didnt see my wife I would experience this overwhelming sense of panic, anxiety and of course not know why I would be angry at my wife well and I cant say why but one day I was able to relate the panic feelings together and it was disturbing at least that memory and the current feelings were the same. Since that moment I have never experienced the when ever I wake up alone panic attack again. I’m still discovering reactions today that are driven by childhood trauma but now I understand that when I find myself reacting in such a way that is negative without cause its more then likely a learned response that I developed and I can change it. Bottom line for me, if I can remember the first time I reacted this way and the circumstances surrounding me I can develope overcome it and replace it with the proper reaction. Sounds simple and at 43 I’m realizing that I have spent a huge amount of time trying to figure out ” why ” and developing skills to recognize and replace all those ball and chains that I have been dragging around for 38, 39 years. My Mother passed away 3 years ago and our last conversation concluded with her telling me to take care of my little brother. I suppose that will take time to understand but hey I’m getting good at it so eventually I will be able to live without dealing with the affects of others issues , talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time…Thanks for listening/reading….
Hello, I just want to say that right now I dont have time to write as I am about to leave home to go away and so right now isnt a good time to write! I am having difficulties with dealing with my children and their understanding of my ASAD and PTSD. I wake up and cry each day, and if I dont that is a miracle! Im nearly 52 in June. I was abandoned at four months of age and that was after my mother had received a huge physical shock during her pregnancy with me at 7 months gestation. I wasn’t born at what I had come to rationalize as the most opportune moment really! Quite the opposite. It was the last thing my mother needed, as she had five other tiny ones older than me all close together in age. She bathed me and left me alone on the bed and left when I was four months old! my sister was in her cot! I was breastfed until then, when they found me I was distraught / very distraught and my sister who was two was trying to give me her bottle to comfort me, she was two. I would not feed when I was given to the new care givers and my life with them was an emotional and physical nightmare until I was 12 and they decided it was time I went into the care of the Department as I had no real parents.
Going to a home as it was called was just more trauman and physical abuse as well and then sexual abuse.
I am beginning to write my life story. I have been to hell … this im sure of at times and its not getting better its getting worse now! I recently about five years ago finally separated from my abusive husband who i was with for just over 25 year of marriage, this wasn’t easy and heaven forbid did anyone understand why I stayed in such a relationship so long …. NO No they dont even have an inkling! I finally had gotten to a place of safety emotionally and them I have had to experience the last three years of my life! THIS HAS BEEN HELL! again i tell you that I wake each morning about 3 or 4 am and it starts, the thoughts first and then the sadness starts! I really do have to get up and get my youngest daughter up and drive to SYDNEY .. This is about 6 hours away from my home and my new partner and my dog and cat. This is never easy for me to leave. I experience weeks of uneasiness before I go anywhere! Hell I suffer it going to the large town nearby to go shopping so leaving for a number of days is hard! Once I am on the road the symtoms dissipate and I seem to ajust. The adjustment should be seen as a good thing. NO not that either, my ex has fairly well brain washed my two older children that im a mental case. He is a clever man. Its true, these disorders do come catgorised under mental illness’s but I thought we had evolved here a little and the last people in the world who you would think were the ones destroying me now with their lack of understanding of the situation is my own two older children! My ex had a financial interest to screw me over and he knew that I had severe weaknesses and he played on each of those until I as a human being all but crumbled emotionally and then this is when he told them I had Drug Use problems! I didn’t. In fact he was distorting a very tiny part of the truth in a hideous way. That happened 18 months ago. Five years before that my middle daughter ran away at 14 because of my exhusband! She said he was a loser and she hated me for not leaving him! Hell did she realise how hard this was …. to leave him. NO, she didnt. Very bad timing for everyone indeed and now I am being emotionally attacked by both of my older children and my ex. Saying I am a mental case, is bad and its a tad over the top. I fell apart, and I still am most days when I wake up! I have a psychologist, I am doing behavior modification techniques. However he said to me and I kind of realised that at fifty two well its probably not going to ease up for me and I really have to work hard to stay on top of it to function. I dont go anywhere really these days! I have a radio show and its volunteer. It is good that I have these things. My life story has been listened to by many of the years when this or that issue would arise! Most said I should write my life story! It will help me .. but will those intrusive thoughts ever stop! They stop when I am happy. Having my children estranged from me when I was such a good good mother and most who know me tell me this all the time. being estranged from them and them attacking me, thats what it feels like by taking their dads LIES and manipulation to hurt me as the way it is! They have been seriously mislead, I have NEVER been given the chance to answer any of this to them, it was just taken off the table like a soiled cloth and never returned! There has been no explainations and now my son facebooks his little sister who is 14 and tells her I have to pay for my antics and that this is all my fault that he doesnt talk to me. In his latest message to her, he details out to her that he hopes he never ever sees me again! I was mortified for a moment there! I had to get up and go and do something before I was physically sick! He is 22 years old and my daughter who also doesnt speak to me and gives me rude finger signs when she sees me EVERY time is 20. My youngest daughter who lives with me still is 14. They do not understand the height of the damage they are actually causing for my youngest. She does not need to see her mother this upset continually on a daily basis! She says she will rage at her brother for this but somehow he always manages to talk her into the fact that I a mess! Im not a mess, Im sad…. Im a ASAD sufferer and have PTSD! I was taken hostage as a teenager at knife point. This didnt help me at all given that I was already a damaged human being! I was married for just over twenty five years! I didnt run out on everyone. I was there for everyone else when their stuff was happening and now when this is happening to me there is NO ONE TO HELP! NO ONE WILL GET INVOLVED REALLY! every one of my friends say and have been saying they will get over it soon! They havent gotten over it and as the years start to tick by now I am falling apart more each day! So now I write also. If I cannot tell them how it is for me in real time and talking to them like normal people do, then I will write my story and perhaps after I am dead they will have some realizations down the track when they have their own children just how tough it really is! Life is not a cakewalk! I will return and write more then! We shall see how I go then hey! GOOD BYE for now and thankyou for you writings!
Hi. I have just met a consulter who told me that I have this disorder, but having read this article I think that she is wrong. I WAS separated from both my parents when I was 4 for almost 2 years. I thought that they left me and this made me a shy kid with low self confidence which followed till my adulthood. I also due to some incidents always thought that my parents do not love me…(they we old and we could not communicate).I now like to be among my friends and when I am not I feel very lonely love sociality start some jobs but I do not finish it easily, and it seems that I am aimless. Although I have master’s degree I always think that I can not! And I apply for jobs far less than my education do not like to fight…in no aspect of life….and I am attracted to men who do not love me or do not give me their love. Yet I do whatever I like am not dependant to the other’s opinion do not like to be with my parents or friends all the moments of my life have lived alone….I do not need to sleep with sb….and losing one of my friends or family members do not make me sad. Please help me to know if I have this disorder or not
Sara – It strikes me that the predominant aspect of ASAD is the anxiety – it’s a ‘disorder’ in which the symptom which causes the distress is an often overwhelming anxiety, both mental and physiological in varying degrees, linked either explicitly in the mind of the sufferer, or perhaps only upon reflection and self-questioning, to the absence of some kind of attachment figure. There’s been a broad range of people posting on this forum, some who like me have had a problem with intense panic/anxiety states when a certain person isn’t where they’re “meant” to be; others get anxious like that when simply even separated from the attachment figure and/or just left alone; but the link always seems to be the feeling of anxiety/panic, which as you’ll have read is often all-consuming and mentally exhausting.
What you’ve described though doesn’t seem to have that aspect to it – you say that you feel lonely when not surrounded by friends, and that you’re attracted to men who don’t give you their love, but that being alone per se or losing people doesn’t make you sad. That really doesn’t sound like the thought processes of somebody with an anxiety disorder, but more like an averagely well-adjusted person with certain issues over perhaps low self-esteem, who perhaps makes up for this slightly too readily by having a wide social network and by falling too easily for the wrong guy.
You must have sensed that something was a bit awry with your take on the world to have looked for advice in the first place, but I don’t see, unless the counsellor you saw has access to other details you don’t bring up here, how you’d fit the anxiety disorder profile. Basically, do you find yourself anxious/panicked/terrified to the point of it sometimes taking over your life when exposed to certain situations? If not, I’d tend to agree with your gut reaction that this isn’t what’s going on with you. :-)
Through better understanding your own wishes and needs you are able to establish a better existence for yourself. That’s where Tarot can help you.
I’m 19 years old and I had little separation anxiety issues at a young age.
There were few incidents when I would go to a neighbors house to spend the night…and end up crying during the night and wanting to go home because I felt “alone” (everyone would be asleep)
Years passed, and things were fine.
Then, i’d stay at a relative’s house (which had never been a issue doing before) and I would call home because I was “home sick”.
Also- note that I lived a very sheltered life and have gone through a few (better left unsaid) issues in my life.
I had a serious partner (4 years long) and hated being away from him. I can’t quite remember what all would happen. It’s been a year or two and I have a new boyfriend.
And i’ve never loved someone so much before… I could go on and on.
But- i’m having the separation anxiety again…and since I love him so. Since I feel like he is “the one.” I can almost say that it’s even worse than what i’ve ever felt.
I hate being away from him.
He goes to work- i’m already tearing up because he’s about to step out the door. Then, I have to do something around the house…clean, tv, search the net…something…ANYTHING to try and distract myself.
He is somewhat of an independent person. (I say somewhat because he more than considers my feelings- and will only ask for “him” time rarely. For example- he had alone time once withing four months. And that was only because his mother forced me to have a girl night with her).
I’m feeling anxious- so I start thinking into the future.
What am I going to do when he’s at work and i’m absolutely all alone? Or when he goes out and i’m all alone?
When I have a car- i’ll drive around or something. Distract myself.
I suppose i’m just having horrible anxiety and just needed someone to talk to. Hence this reply.
I’m so glad that i’m not the only one…. I don’t feel “crazy”. I always knew that I wasn’t…but I was starting to question…
I am so glad I researched this tonight, so much of what everyone is posting here reminds me of myself and my relationships. When I was younger I would spend every other weekend with my father, due to divorce, and every sunday ( after leaving my fathers house ) I would cry myself to sleep because I missed him so much and wished I could be back with him. This would occur until I was about 13 ( I’m 21 now)
More recently I’ve noticed that the same thing happens when I go home from spending the weekend with my boyfriend of just over a year. I dont see him everyday but its almost everyday, I work monday and tuesday nights and he works days so we won’t see eachother, and I do fine being away from him at work (I’m guessing it keeps me busy) BUT .. We are constantly texting and when he goes to bed and sends me the inevitable “goodnight text” I get sad sometimes to the point of crying myself to sleep.
When I’m not with him I always have to know what he is doing and who he is with. I trust him completely and I know he would never do anything to hurt me and I don’t understand why I have to keep tabs on him. I often wonder if I do this because my ex cheated on me. I feel like a freak or psycho doing this.
Also do things and go places I don’t want to just to be with him, like parties when know I work early the next morning I force my self to stay up. Sometimes he does go to parties without me and I get very nervous that he will meet a prettier, nicer, all around better girl then me and fall in love. I get really crabby at him and really moody but the next day I feel so stupid and obsessive.
I really don’t want to push him away by being crabby and moody, I bought a book ‘ stop overeacting’ and that had helped me a lot with calming down and thinking about everything clearly.
It feels nice to talk about this (or even type it)
Also sorry if it doesn’t all make sense its late and I’m very tired X)
I’m 23, and have had separation issues since I can remember. My father wanted to be around, but was too unstable a person to do so, so I spent a lot of time with my mother. When I was 6, she was seeing a man, and I’m told (don’t really remember) I responded negatively when she asked my opinion of her marrying. After that, my grandfather lived with us a while, taking care of me when my mother worked, but he died 2 years later.
I’ve spent years trying to push these feelings that everyone leaves down. I’ve also spent years being told I’m the needy one in relationships.
I’m in a relationship with a wonderful, sensitive, understanding man, but I feel like I’m losing him too. When we met, we worked to spend time together, had sex as close to constantly as people can manage, and he used to get this look in his eyes when he’d smile at me.
He’s taken up performing, and while I’m happy he’s found what he wants to do, he works to spend time performing. We recently spent a month sex free, and that look I used to make happen, I more often see when he has spent a day off performing.
He doesn’t mind that I need him, but I do. I’m so tired and embarrassed of being this person. I still feel as wrapped up in him as I did when we met, and I feel like I’m alone in that. What’s worse, I don’t want to feel less for him. I just don’t want to feel this much alone.
I’ve been left before for being needy. I’m hoping this isn’t another case of the same. I just don’t know what to do. I worry it will always be this way. That I’ll always be holding someone closer than they want.
I always knew I had ASAD, I am one of those with 15 and up years of education. I had separation anxiety when I was a child and I could recognize the feeling/pain in my chest. I knew was the same I had when I was a child. I had the symptoms and my fixation was with my mother in my 20th (of course was my mother the center of it as a child) then I found my husband, and he became the center of my life and I could not ewven go visit my family because I could not endure days without him. Then my child was born and my child became my attachment figure. I have always done my life and function, gone to work etcetera, but have endure quietly the pain and anxiety silently. It is inmense suffering. I called 7-8 times a day the day care, gone to school to check on my child during my breaks and lunch time. Called my husband several times a day just to listen to his voice. It is my family and I feel nothing away from them. A good physician assistant recognized my symptoms and gave me Paxil. Since then, I became another person. I can enjoy my job, my alone time… although not to far from my loved ones (husband and child) If I am given the choice, I want to be with them. Serving them and caring for them is what makes me happy. I would exchange my carrer and everything I have to be with them. I am with them, they are my entire world, but now, after Paxil, I let them free and live their lives too as I enjoy my career and time alone.
So I’ve read the whole article above and all the comments blow it.. I haven’t been diagnosed with ASAD but I’m pretty sure I’m close to it.. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 5 years together, but 3 years straight. I’ve pretty much been living with her for the full 3 years. In the past year 1/2 I’ve had really bad anxiety issues. But the part that really sucks is i’m so afraid to be away from her. I don’t even like to go for little car rides alone, and I definitely love to drive. I can’t hang out with friends without her because I always have a panic attack. I’m super afraid to get a job because I’m scared something’s gonna happen to me or her while I’m there. Even though she works 12 hour shifts at her new job. She just started and I’m still getting used to it. It sucks because she’s sort of my security blanket and always there for me when I think I’m gonna have a panic attack. I’m not sure if I’m just thinking about it too much but it’s really starting to worry me. My Dad wanted to go up north for a week but she has to work and couldn’t take it off.. I had to lie to my dad about why i couldn’t go up because i’m afraid to be away from her for that long.. Especially cities away. I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid it’s going to rule my life. Especially because if I don’t get a job she’s going to get frustrated with me and want to leave me because she can’t pay the bills alone. I’m scared that this will never go away and I don’t know how to get over it or work past it. I try to keep myself focused on other things but sometimes it’s not enough. Especially when all I can think about is her calling me on her breaks.. I’m so lost..
I’m only 20 by the way which makes it harder for me to believe it’s going to be easier.
i need help and i dont know what to do …. im about to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me because i cant be without her … she is my everything , ive never wanted something so bad before in my entire life , but as soon as she walks out that door i fall apart inside and cant seem to control myself. i dont know what to do but i dont want to lose her .
R – you sound as though you might be from the UK like me (‘up north’ is a very British thing to say!). If you are, my suggestion would be to go to your GP and just blurt out everything that you’re feeling, and ask them to arrange an assessment with a community psychiatric nurse or whatever your local NHS trust calls them – they’re mental health professionals who’ll listen to what your problems are and then agree a course of action with you, most likely CBT in the first instance. There’s no stigma to this, and it’s done very discreetly. I think it’s important to admit to yourself, and then to others who are involved, that you’re having these problems, but in the first instance I’d get impartial, professional advice starting with your GP. If you’re not British but just come across as a bit British, my apologies!
Kevin – your post has a lot less detail about whether this is an anxiety disorder or some other, related issue over jealousy, fear of loss, control, or the many things that could trigger those kind of feelings. If you’re in the UK, again I’d recommend the GP/CPN route. If you’re not, I’d only suggest that you find a way to speak to a professional about this. The emotional response you have won’t necessarily just ‘clear up’ and ought to be admitted and tackled head on now that you recognise it’s not ‘normal’ and is clearly a problem for you. Can you admit these feelings to your girlfriend, breaking it and explaining them to her bit by bit? I’m very happily married, and it took me weeks and months of slowly opening up to my wife that I have these anxiety issues about my family, gradually letting her see how my otherwise inexplicable avoidance behaviours made sense. Sunlight being the best disinfectant, admitting these feelings to the people involved does really help – the very worst that can happen is that they are unsympathetic and don’t want anything to do with it, but then it’s better, in my view, to have this than to have a future of disabling anxiety that you’re having to bear all alone.
I am a 42 year old female, I grew up in a large Mexican family. When I was 5 years old, my Father who was my best friend and someone that I always spent time with, more than with my Mom, yes they were together, but for some reason I loved my Daddy and being with him. He then had to make a decision to leave for America to persue a better life, but he needed to leave us. He left us for 2 years, I remember breaking down and crying everyday, I would wait outside to see if he was coming home. I did not want to believe that he was gone. It broke my heart and I stayed sad for two years until I saw him again.
I then grew up, but have always been afraid of been alone. I had my first boyfriend for 2 years then after he broke up with me, it took me at least a couple years to stop thinking about him and stop crying and asking myself what did I do? What went wrong? I blamed myself. I couldn’t eat, sleep or concentrate. Later on I met my husband who I was married for 18 years, he then turn to drugs and got very violent, emotional and physical. I made the decision to end it for our daughter. I could not have her live in that environment. It was really hard, but this time I didn’t find myself crying or hoping that he would come back. I did pray for all of us, but I soon got myself together.
Then shortly after that I met this awesome man at a 5k race, that my daughter made me do. We met, but did not go out for at least a few weeks. I right away felt so comfortable with him and felt so safe and good with him. He was so smart and I really looked up to him.. Yes, eventually I gave in and I am the one that wanted to sleep with him and shortly after that, I found myself telling him that I loved him. He thought it was cute, and eventually he said it back. I was very emberrased. Anyway fast forward we dated for almost 4 years until a month a go. I never completely trusted him, because I always noticed little things like different email accounts, differnt phones, texts from other woman, but he always had an answer and he would alsways turn it around and made me feel like it’s my fault for beeing nosy. So we used to get into many fights arguments. He lived in an RV, still does, which I did not care. We had plans to eventually live there and travel and see the US, always made me feel safe, but in the back of my mind I never felt I was the only one. Anyway with all those problems I still loved him and still do. A month ago he took off without letting me know and moved to NC, the weekend before his move we had a great weekend, with his Grand baby and myslef, he is 52 years old. He took off, he called me and told me that he was on his way to NC, It broke my heart and shattered my world, I couldn’t even think or breath. He told me that I made him leave and that we have not been getting along so he needed to get away, but the weekend before that he said he would marry me, because he loved me. He took the little money I had, I also found out he had joined dating web sites and had started to build relationships with women in that area, he started doing all of that in February. I am so sad and in disbelieve that he did this. I thought he loved me. He said that I drove him to seek other women everytime we fought and I told him that I would go running extra miles when ever we got into arguments, I would never go seeking other men. Anyway I am having a very hard time. I can’t sleep, I break down every night, I cry so much. I feel lost all the time and lonely. I feel like I’m going crazy. He was my whole life. I did everything with him. We ate togther almost everyday, we workend out together, we just were together all the time. We never did live together or slept in the same bed because he said that he likes his bed and had back problems, so he always made the excuse not to stay the whole night with me. Now I know he was eddicted to the internet and his love affairs. Why can’t I stop crying, why do I feel so alone. I don’t know why I can’t just say heck with him and move on. I really need some advice or help. Please help.
Connie
thanx for all your advice it has heleped me i dont want to lose my partner been with him for nearly 2yrs now and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me . i have a child who is sevenyears old from a previous and not very nice relationship . i love my daughter so much but when my partner is out i cant concentrate on looking after my daughter as my anixety gets the better of me im constantly thinking wer is he wen will he be bak timing him all the time does this sound like seperaton anxiety or being controlling?
Good post. I have found that what really pushes my buttons is reading something a little kinky.
Halley, you sad, pathetic little f*ck. I just hope that as you grow up you gain a grain of human empathy rather than just sitting in your sad bedroom trolling at real people.
Kaz96ya – that does sound very much like a separation anxiety problem. The posts seem to divide into two camps – those that are on the one hand predominantly classic fear/jealousy, jealousy being (imho) a manifestation of some kind of fear of loss; and on the other hand those that are predominantly anxiety which comes on during separation but vanishes when the object of the anxiety’s back. Timing somebody appears to me at least to be quite a good symptom of s.a., and it rings bells with the problems I’ve had personally. CBT works for some, medical solutions for others. As a suggestion of what to do: if you can, admit this anxiety to somebody, perhaps slowly, and with due acceptance of the objective “ridiculousness” of being anxious about the whereabouts of a grown adult who can look after himself. A problem shared really is a problem halved. CBT will get you to ask yourself what it is you’re anxious about, and start to retune your subconscious reactions. SSRIs like seroxat have an effect by turning down the anxiety response, and personally I don’t feel any kind of stigma in using them for a few months to change the mental landscape that “permits” anxiety. An anti-anxiety drug along with CBT can be an effective way to start to change the out-of-true way we see the world as threatening and anxiety-laden. You don’t need to live with it – treat yourself to some medical advice and start to untangle your anxious thought processes.
I have struggled with asad since i was 4, i’m now 27. Beacuse of my anxiety, i have been reading a lot of books, been in therapy and all that. In one book, i read that you need to take baby steps towards your goals and always aim for other goals. For example, if being away from your spouse generates anxiety, you could set a good number of tiny goals and try to reach them over and over until you find those easily attainable, then move on to other goals. Exampe of list of goals :
1. Go shopping without spouse for one hour.
2. Refrain from calling spouse only one time during the day.
3. Have lunch with a friend for 2 hours without spouse.
4. etc…
Of course, it takes patience, but note all your progress in a chart or diary. Then, you’ll find you are a lot more free every day that passes by. The key is really patience and perseverance.
Please consult a psychologist or doctor if the depression and anxiety is unbearable, it is SUPER important to seek help. You are responsible for your own life and health. It makes me really proud of myself to know I took charge, even though my disorder isn’t cured.
I have had it for a long time. It has ruined my life. I knew the symptoms before it had a name. It is still difficult to get psychiatrists and therapists to accept the idea of this problem, or even be aware of it. In a way, it is like being buried alive would be. No one knows what to make of you. Unfortunately, my symptoms has affected other people, too. They do not know what to make of the problem, or me.
I am struggling again with ASAD as I have recently broken up with a partner who was unable to be intimate. We were together for 7 years, except for an 8 month period where I separated from him. During those 8 months I suffered greatly from severe anxiety, depression, suicidal feelings and thoughts. I had to go to the psych. hospital to able to get through, and during that time I reconnected with him as I could not hack my pain and anxiety any longer. Over the past 3 years, he has just gotten worse and worse with his mental health problems to the point that we barely have had a relationship at all. I finally told him that I cannot be his partner because he is not able to be with me. He was not shocked. He accepted my decision, although he was angry and hurt that I had “dumped” him, as he put it to me.
Anyway, I am trying very hard to take care of myself and to grow and continue to recover from my traumatic history.
It is a major challenge to get through days when I am largely alone. I get very tense, my muscles ache, I get migraines and I feel like crying. I begin the feel as if people know how weak I am.
It is humiliating and very disheartening. I have worked at this for so many years…It is very frustrating to still be dealing with it.
There does not seem to be any effective therapy for it.
I have had periods of better levels of anxiety. These come and go.
Overall I know that the degree of my anxiety is less than it was 10-20 years ago. So there has been progress. I really wish I just did not have this problem.
Thank you for listening to me. I look forward to your replies.
K.
I have had ASAD all my life. I have have a very hard time with my husbands deployments. He is a Infantry Solider in the Army. I can’t sleep, i feel like i have to sit by my computer 24/7 afraid that i will miss a im or a phone call and nightmares of him dying. This is my 3rd deployment with my husband and it doesn’t get any better. I am on Xanax and wellbutron. I sleep with my computer next to me i take it where every i go. My anxiety gets 100 worse when his internet goes down all the bad thoughts enters your mind. He is a good man he deals all my flaws and loves me even though i am a severe worrywart. I can’t even go to visit my family in fear I would miss a call. So i am home alone for a whole year with no friends sometimes my family comes to visit but i am in Texas and family is in California. I have tried to make friends but i cant handle large groups of people so that slows me down and alot of the wives have children and are busy with them where as i can’t have children so there i set alone.
Hi Erie, my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the level of anxiety/panic that you are experiencing daily. Hang in there. I wonder if you have any professional support other than the meds. I found that over time, with some specialized trauma/PTSD therapy, I have gradually become less anxious and also have developed a wide range of coping tools that help me through. I encourage you to search out any help that you can find in your community. None of us can do this alone. In support, Kathy
Hello everyone. I have read most of your stories and I feel it would be helpful for others (and myself) to share mine. Though I wish there were more stories of recovering and treating this, I’m sad to say that my story isn’t complete with a happy ending just yet either. However, I hope someone finds this relateable and could possibly provide some advice.
I am 17, not quite considered an adult just yet, but as I research and research, i can’t find helpful resources other than that of adult and children. Since my “symptoms” are different than that of toddlers and are more relatable to the criteria of adult, I have chosen to stick with being an adult in this situation.
To make a very long story short, I have had a relatively functional and happy family life, aside from a traumatic accident when i was 6 that has left me with PTSD. I have known I have had panic, anxiety, and depression since I learned the names for them when I was around 12. Around the same time, I started mildly abusing sleeping medications and eventually it escalated to prescription medications and marijuana. Though i have learned to cope with my dependency on drugs, I still struggle, which would be expected.
When I was 14, (yes, very young) I had an obsessive codependent relationship with a boyfriend. All and all, I developed PTSD after the relationship ended. I still struggle with attachment and abandonment issues when referring to that time period. I used to have nightmares and frequent panic attacks about him, but I like to think I’m finally healing.
Now, I have been with a new and much better boyfriend for almost two years. We began the relationship only months after the last one had ended, which made it a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I knew I had to move on from the boyfriend that had abused me and broken my heart, but I had a very odd time adjusting to a new lifestyle with my new boyfriend. A lot of my drug abuse took place in the previous relationship, making it easier to be sober with my new boyfriend. I lost my virginity to my new boyfriend only months into the relationship, and I have known that that is one reason (whether minor or major, I’m unsure) for my attachment. Being there for me when I was healing from the last relationship meant so much to me, and still does. There are many reasons that I’m already aware of that have made me grow to my boyfriend like a vine to a fence.
Blah, blah. Here comes the ASAD part. I have known my boyfriend has planned to go to college two states away since the day I met him. However, reality seemed to betray me. Now he leaves in less than a month, and I don’t know what to do. My anxiety and depression is out of control and off the charts. Recently I have been more needy than i ever thought I would be. I am constantly worried about him when he leaves the house. If he leaves without telling me where he’s going, I assume he’s doing something bad or lying to me about what he’s doing. I HAVE NEVER BEEN LIKE THIS. The thing that hurts me the most is that I trust him completely and I know I am acting irrationally, but I cannot grasp onto anything and I spin out of control. This has caused a few fights and I don’t want to hurt the relationship even though I know I am and it’s my fault. My biggest fear is that I will become too much for him to handle and he will leave me. Another fear is that the anxiety of him being away when he goes to college will stress the long distance relationship even more and it will end. I am terrified that this unreal situation with me will cause even more stress than what it should. I am lost for solutions and I can’t seem to find anything to help. I know this isn’t a very good description, but i
If you are reading this and have been through this and have any advice, I’m sure it would help me emensly. Thank you for reading this.
f you have read a previous post by “Sha”, I felt I could really relate.
Hi Tori, I read your post and I want to say that you are obviously trying your best, but still having great difficulty with anxiety and depression. I am wondering if you have found any professional support. I know it can be very hard to find a professional who is affordable who also has the right attitude and skills to be supportive and helpful. I searched long and hard to find appropriate help..for PTSD and GAD *generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks”, as well as addiction to the pills that had been prescribed for my symptoms.
I have been free of addictive substances for almost 10 years, and with a lot of good professional and 12 step program support, I have made dramatic progress. My anxiety and depression are about 80% improved . I have learned to practice coping tools from the professional and 12 step supports in my life.
I feel for you because I had my earliest PTSD, depression and somatization disorder symptoms at age 15, and no one would listen to me. I was told repeatedly, don’t worry about anything, just get on with your life and plan your career….reduce your stress (I did reduce my external stress as much as was possible) by my stress was INTERNAL. No one got it! I was very discouraged and ashamed. I kept reading and researching about my symptoms, until finally I found PTSD described in a book called Healing the Child Within. This book really helped to put some lights on for me.
It still took more time to find effective professional help.
I highly recommend the Sidran Foundation re: PTSD for online articles, books they publish and free advice if you email them. Their website is http://www.sidran.org
Seeking Safety is one of their best books for people with both addiction and PTSD…it is expensive (about $50) but it is a worthwhile investment, especially if you have someone you trust who is knowledgeable about treating PTSD, to go through it with you.
Hang in there Tori…You can get better. I know how hard it is to be in a relationship in which panic and anxiety are ruling you…I had that happen to me in my marriage. Once I got the right kind of help, I began to have some control over my degree of anxiety and depression and my behaviour. Take care…you are worth fighting for!!!
Well i can tell you my anxiety had gotten alot worse. Today my husband was in a Humvee and they hit a IED and it blew 2 tires. He was knocked out and received a concussion. He is ok A little beaten up he gets bad headaches, dizzy, and nausous. I had a real bad panic attack today lasted about a little while i started to hyperventalate. It makes being away from him so much more stressful
Erie, I am very sorry to hear about what happenned to your husband, and how bad your anxiety/panic is, following this. It is no wonder that you are upset and panicked. I have lived through thousands of panic attacks, and I would not wish them on anyone. For many years I was trapped in a constant cycle of anxiety, panic attacks, depression, exhaustion, emotional and physical pain…this cycle went on and one…I thought it was going to kill me. It almost did. What helped me is that I finally met a doctor who understood what I was going through and he treated me and referred me for the appropriate specialized help I needed at the time. Over the past ten years, little by little, day by day I have become more functional, happier, more involved in life in a positive way. I do get days where my anxiety is high, or hours when this happens.
I have some non-addictive medicine which helps me if it is off the charts. The behaviours/tools I have learned and practiced over the past 9-10 years have really helped me to cope better with the anxiety and panic when it does come. A lot of my anxiety management and emotional modulation tools have come from professionals in the field of addictions, PTSD, depression, and eating disorders. My particular diagnoses led me to specialized help…all of which gradually have led me to live with more peace, hope and love…and a lot less fear, terror, anger, frustration, emotional pain and physical pain, stomach upset and other symptoms.
Again Erie, my heart goes out to you. One basic tool that has helped me is to write down a list, and also make a collage of your favourite: 5 things you can see, 5 things you can hear, 5 things you can taste, 5 things you can smell and 5 things you can touch/feel. Then when you are feeling stressed/panicked. … read your list, try to focus on your immediate surroundings to name what you see, hear, taste, smell and feel/touch. If that is beyond you, try looking at your collage and focus on each item that is on there. While you are reading your list or looking at your collage, practice breathing into your abdomen..if you are able. Breathe in to a slow count of 5, hold for a count of 5, breathe out for a count of 5. I know that sometimes this is impossible to do. But if you practice over and over, several times a day…eventually it begins to work…along with medication if needed and prescribed by your doctor. These are just suggestions from my experience.
Take what you like and leave the rest!!
:) Kathy
Kathy – thank you for all those tips. I totally understand why you’ve added ‘if that is beyond you’ and ‘if you are able’ – it’s so important to find a way to focus outwards when these episodes come over us, but at the same often so hard without real application, when we’re consumed by panic.
Out of interest, what exactly is the non-addictive medicine that you use as a stand-by for if you’re simply off the chart, if you’re willing to say, that is?
I am writing you because I have a 24 year old daughter who is showing all the signs of ASAD. When she is in, what I call a “full blown attack”, she becomes violent and I believe she is going to hurt herself or someone close to her. Every time she gets it in her head, that her boyfriend is going to break-up with her, she becomes violent and takes out her aggressions on everyone who is near her. She is only 5’2″ inches tall, be don’t let that fool you. She can get very violent. My daughter and her boyfriend, live with my ex. I live 5 minutes away. Several times as of late, I have had to go to my ex’s home to defuse a volital situation. I don’t know what to do or how to help her. She is a beautiful young lady. She is educated. She has a good job. To the outside world, she appears to have it all together. When she enters a room, all heads turn to her. I can not understand how such a beautiful, intelligent, young lady can have such low self esteem and allow herself to get to such a low point as to scream and beg her boyfriend not to leave her. Please tell me how I can help her.
You can only urge her to accept professional help. Continue to love and support her.
See if you can find an interpersonal analyst. Philip M Bromberg is an excellent example. I am currently reading two of his books ‘Awakening the Dreamer’ and Standing in the Spaces subtitle,
Essays on Clinical Process Trauma & Dissociation. I am not familiar with Dr Bromberg’s place of practice.
Lawrence Friedman M.D. Clinical Professor of Psychiatry Cornell Medical College has endorsed Dr Blomberg’s book and contacting him may lead you to a psychiatrist who pracitices this type of contemporary psychoanalysis.
A ‘cure’ is possible in your daughter’s situation but it will be a long road with no easy answers and no short cuts. BUT it is possible!
In his book Awakening the Dreamer, Dr Bromberg cites a novel by Matt Ruff, ‘Set this House in Order’ that may be interesting reading and provide some insight into your daughters problems.
NEVER GIVE UP!
My best Nolen
I’ve been suffering from this for as long as I can remember. I had an abusive and neglectful mother. I never really had a great relationship with her. There were periods of time when everything would be great but then she would mess up again and I would become severely depressed. I became pretty attached to my step-mom. I would be scared to death whenever I couldn’t find her in a store and begin having panic attacks. I still get very anxious when I can’t find a family member/ friend if they’re not on time. I’ve gotten really attached to friends in the past and became jealous when they were doing things without me.
I now have a boyfriend and things have been going great until recently. My biological mother has tried to get in contact with me after not speaking for a year. I feel myself bottling up, not wanting to do anything and becoming extremely sensitive to anything and everything my boyfriend says to me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s never mean but I take it that way. I can’t stand not being with him. I constantly want attention from him (as if I’m a child begging for my parents attention) and it’s to the point where I’m annoying myself. I feel like when I’m not with him, he’s going to forget about me. I can’t sleep at night unless I’m with him because I continuously think about him and if he’s okay or not. I feel as if I can never get physically close enough to him.
I always thought I was nuts and never talked about this. I really don’t talk about my emotions at all but you all seem inviting and helpful. I would love any kind of advice. I don’t want to ruin the relationships I have right now because of this disorder.
I’m not sure how to start this. Many of the cases I have read on this thread seem to be much more severe than mine, and at many times I feel confused about my feelings and actions- are they really me, my own decisions and feelings, or is my ASAD fueling everything I do, consciously or unconsciously?
When I was 18 I moved out of my parents’ house to go to college about two hours away from home. I flipped out. I could not stop crying and refused to go out with my roommate or any of the people from my dorm. I was on facebook or livejournal almost all of the time trying to get lost in the world of my friends and family that I knew and was comfortable with. I was constantly calling my parents and asking if I could come home, as well as my boyfriend who I had moved away from as well as various friends. After a very short period of time I packed up and moved back home, which was very upsetting and surprising for my family. Up until the day I moved, even the night before, I was excited about college and ready to move out. The inexplicable fear I felt the very next day, when we started driving to my new college, was completely out of the blue.
I lived with my parents for two more years, got my AA, and tried again to move away, this time to a really good college some four and a half hours away. I lasted a semester. I was constantly crying, I could go to sleep but as soon as I woke up I was flooded with panic. I missed my boyfriend terribly, which doesn’t make sense to me because I was in a long distance relationship with him when I was home living with my parents and the amount of time I saw him didn’t change when I moved, but I still felt abandoned and isolated. Every single weekend I would make the four and a half hour drive to either my parents’ house or to my boyfriend’s apartment, and only then did I feel ok. Then Monday morning before my first class would start I’d make the drive back. I don’t think I missed one weekend doing this in the six months I was there. When I wasn’t at their houses I was on the phone with either my parents, my sister, or my boyfriend for hours and hours everyday. They were all very supportive. The crazy part about all this is that I have a great family. All of us can get in very loud fights sometimes, sure, and although my dad had a very hard childhood and some anger issues as a result of that when I was growing up, it never affected me much in. He’d yell sometimes, but it was never to the point of verbal abuse or even very upsetting. More than anything I just felt bad for him, for having to deal with his parents divorcing and his father’s alcoholism as well as being abused when he was a child. But as for me? I had a great childhood. And there was absolutely no indication of any problems with anxiety or fear of being away from “attachment figures” until I moved away for college the first and second time. I would go on vacations, with or without my parents or my boyfriend, and have a grand time. It was only when the move was permanent that there was a problem.
After I came back from my second college, I stayed at my parents’ for another six months, getting therapy and halfheartedly looking for jobs before I moved to another city about an hour and a half away to go to college where my boyfriend did. For the summer before I started classes I worked at a grocery store, and when I wasn’t with him at his apartment I was scared shitless. I would cry in my car on my breaks, and I could not stand to be away from him.
About halfway through the summer I went to Wisconsin with my family to visit some relatives, when he broke up with me over the phone. I was really really upset, but mostly in the broken hearted way. And when I got back, I moved all my stuff to a friend’s house in the area and all of a sudden I was fine. Every once in a while I would be uncomfortable and feel scared or anxious, but I was fine! It was crazy! I had made friends with a lot of my boyfriends’ friends, and though it was hard getting over a break-up with someone I thought I was in love with for over a year, I got on well. And have for a year and a half since that all happened.
I have lived in the same city and have had no problems with sadness or anxiety. I met a boy back in September and have fallen head over heels for him. We have spent tons of time with each other, virtually moved in together- my dorm mate rarely saw me at all last year I was at his apartment so often- but not because I needed to be with him. I just wanted to be.
However, after over a year of being almost completely symptom free, it has hit me again. I think I knew in the back of my mind that for whatever reasons conditions in my life were set up to offer me a respite, but now that there have been some incrementally small changes, I am starting to have the problems arise again. It’s definitely not as bad as when I moved away the first and second time, but this second year at my new college I’ve moved in to a new dorm with a new roommate, and my boyfriend moved 20 minutes away to his parents’ house, a temporary but frustrating thing.
And it’s started again. And I know that I can’t escape it myself. It’s confusing to frustrating to understand so little of yourself, and disheartening to think for over a year that maybe you had conquered your problem and are able now to accept change as a part of your life.
Though my symptoms are much, MUCH smaller than they were before, I’m afraid that when I move after I (finally) graduate this year, it’s going to hit me full force, and I don’t know if I can handle it. It’s a very scary thing, almost like I’m getting a sample of the impending doom. And I really don’t want to go back to that time of constant fear, not when I feel like I had just started getting a handle on things. I don’t want to get back on numbing antidepressants, don’t want to be consciously or unconsciously operated by my ASAD and the symptoms of it. I want to travel, I want to be independent, and I want my decisions to spend as much or as little time around the people I love to be the product of my love for them, not my illogical fear that I cannot function without them.
I just don’t know how to replicate what I was feeling last year. Why, for instance, did I feel so much better in my new town when my boyfriend broke up with me? Was it because the attachment figure was removed from my life? I never felt like I moved the ASAD attachment to friends who helped me through the break up.
And why is it coming back now? Is there no respite? I feel like if I could understand why I react in a fearful manner to things I could start to cure myself, but my reactions are so inconsistent and hard to follow. There’s no method to the madness. And not understanding myself or my feeling is the most frustrating part of it all.
Anyway, I’m going to go look up some therapists and see if they can help. And try to take Cindy’s advice and take little steps, like spending less time around my boyfriend and trying to get more acquainted with my new dorm, even though it takes a lot of energy and fear. I really hope I can conquer this once and for all, and stop backsliding.
Thanks for listening. Caitlin.
Hello. I’ve read many of the posts on here and I want to say that sometimes you can’t understand how you react because the feelings come from our thoughts and since some of our thoughts are subconscious these feelings can come on us for no reason at all. We can work on conscious thoughts but the unconscious ones are harder. But I want to share that there is a method to fight anxiety out there. Just try to google this: The Linden Method
It’s by Charles Linden. He suffered horrible anxiety attacks. He developed this and it works for him. It was working for me. But I got lax on it. The kit contains a book and some CDs on relaxation, diversion and one is called the panic eliminator. I’ve had to fight anxiety driving for years and this method was starting to work for me. I even was able to take drives further than normal and not hardly even think about the anxiety I would get being away from home. But I got away from this method and need to get back to it. The anxiety is returning. I just realized that I may have this adult separation anxiety disorder too. I just googled separation anxiety in adults and found this place. I never thought I really had it until my children grew up. I’ve been a single mom and always thought I could live alone. Little did I realize it was because I had my children. My one adult son lives with me and he is 29 andI am 57. The thought of him leaving is so scary to me because I get a sense of panic at living alone. I wonder why can’t I imagine it and be ok like other people? I’m still working on the answer. I have faith, believe in God, believe that He can heal me of this somehow, somewhere. I’m searching like everyone on here. I feel for all of you, believe me it’s the worst feeling in the world! You have all helped me because now I know I’m not alone in this, that people do get it and are fighting it too. I wish you all the best in your search. I’ve printed this article out to take to my therapist. I do go to counseling for anxiety but I want to focus on this problem now. Thanks for sharing and taking the time to read this. Hope it helps!
Just another quick note! I do use a medication that is non-narcotic, in fact it is just an antihistamine but can be used for anxiety and it is so mild. I was frightened to try anything. I want to share this in case there is anyone like me afraid of meds. It’s called atarax or the generic is vistaril or other generic name is hydroxyzine hydrochloride. It’s similar to benedryl and it does calm you in a very mild way. Ask your doctor. It really helps. Thanks.
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