Artwork by Cristine Cambrea
Check out the new article by Ryan Rivera, “Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder: Its Roots and Branches – Ryan Rivera!”
Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder (ASAD) did not exist 15 years ago, at least as far as the psychiatric community was concerned.
Separation Anxiety Disorder is well recognized as a psychiatric disorder of childhood, but it is rarely diagnosed in adults. Yet the core symptoms of Separation Anxiety — excessive and often disabling distress when faced with actual or perceived separation from major attachment figures — may persist or even arise during adulthood.
A recent study led by Katherine Shear found that the adult lifetime estimate for ASAD was a conservative 6.6 percent of the American population. That’s 20,207,408 adults who will suffer with ASAD in their lifetimes! In contrast, only 4.1 percent of children will have childhood Separation Anxiety Disorder.
This two-part post accompanies the posting of the reference article on Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder. The current post is the first of two. The two posts are a short version of the reference article, which has full information about the disorder. The information in this post falls under the following headings:
- Just what is Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?
- How many people have Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?
- What are the diagnostic criteria for Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?
Tomorrow’s post continues with these headings:
- How does Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder affect your life?
- Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder and other mental disorders
- What is the treatment for Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?
Just what is Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?
Fear of being separated from others is the core symptom
ASAD has only been recognized as a specific mental disorder since the late 90′s, with the pioneering work of Vijaya Manicavasagar.. He said in 1997 that:[1]
[A]dults may experience: wide-ranging separation anxiety symptoms, such as extreme anxiety and fear, when separated from major attachment figures; avoidance of being alone; and fears that harm will befall those close to them. … Separation anxiety disorder may be a neglected diagnosis in adulthood.
If Americans were asked to give examples of ASAD, they might cite the classic Hollywood film “Casablanca,” where Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) clings to Rick (Humphrey Bogart) shortly before they part forever. Or they might point to the Hollywood thriller “Psycho,” where lead character Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) sleeps next to his mother long after she has died.[2]
A sample case of ASAD is that of “Stacy,” who was treated by Katherine Shear successfully (see “What is the treatment for Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?” below):[3]
Stacy (not her real name) was an accomplished professional woman in her 30′s. But she couldn’t stand not knowing exactly where her husband was, or being away from him for long. She disliked golf, but accompanied him to every weekend game. It got so bad that if she couldn’t immediately contact him at work, she would leave her own office to find him, even though she knew she was behaving irrationally. She just couldn’t bear being out of touch.
How many people have Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?
Almost 7% of adults have ASAD
A new finding that rocks the boat is that ASAD is actually more prevalent than childhood Separation Anxiety Disorder. Katherine Shear and her colleagues produced a groundbreaking study of ASAD in 2006. She found that, while the lifetime estimate of childhood Separation Anxiety Disorder was 4.1 percent, the adult estimate for ASAD was 6.6 percent. [4]
Approximately one-third of adults (36.1 percent) had a childhood case of Separation Anxiety Disorder that persisted into childhood. However, the vast majority (77.5 percent) of adults with ASAD had its first onset of the disorder in adulthood. The ages of onset of ASAD are ranked as follows:[5]
- 30-44 years at onset
- 18-29 years at onset
- 45-59 years at onset
- 60+ years at onset
What are the diagnostic criteria for Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?
The DSM-IV only mentions ASAD in passing
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV) of the American Psychiatric Association is the standard used in the US and UK for diagnosing mental disorders. Since it was published last in 1994, it does not treat ASAD as a separate diagnosis.
The diagnostic criteria for Separation Anxiety Disorder in the DSM-IV are as follows. Note that adults are mentioned only in section “E,” and childhood ages are stated specifically in “C”:[6]
A. Developmentally inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those to whom the individual is attached, as evidenced by three (or more) of the following:
- Recurrent excessive distress when separation from home or major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.
- Persistent and excessive worry about losing, or about possible harm befalling, major attachment figures.
- Persistent and excessive worry that an untoward event will lead to separation from a major attachment figure(e.g.; getting lost or being kidnapped).
- Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or elsewhere because fear of separation.
- Persistent and excessively fearful or reluctant to be alone or without major attachment figures at home or without significant adults in other settings.
- Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure or to sleep away from home.
- Repeated nightmares involving the theme of separation.
- Repeated complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) when separation from major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.
B. The duration of the disturbance is at least 4 weeks.
C. The onset is before age 18 years.
D. Part 1 OR Part 2
- Part 1. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress.
- Part 2. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic (occupational), or other important areas of functioning.
E. The disturbance does not occur exclusively during the course of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Schizophrenia, or other Psychotic Disorder and, in adolescents and adults, is not better accounted for by Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia.
What do you think?
People have been living with ASAD for thousands of years. It seems odd to me that it has only been diagnosed as a separate Anxiety Disorder in the past 15 years.
Although it is relatively new diagnosis (about 7 percent of the population), it has been one of the most popular and persistent terms in my search engine requests. This shows that people are hungry for information about it, since there is not much information out there. An indication of this is how long it took me to research and write the reference article: over 30 hours!
- Do you know anybody that you think has ASAD?
- Do you think that ASAD deserves a separate diagnosis, or is it just human nature?
Artwork by Cristine Cambrea, found at Bucks County Gallery of Fine Art
As always, your comments are welcome!
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FOOTNOTES
1. Manicavasagar, Vijaya; Silove, Derrick; Curtis, J. (1997, September). Separation anxiety in adulthood: a phenomenological investigation. Retrieved April 6, 2009 from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9298320?dopt=Abstract ↑
2. Arehart-Treichel, Joan. (2006, July 7). Adult Separation Anxiety Often Overlooked Diagnosis. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/41/13/30 ↑
3. Szalzvitz, Maia. (2006). Pathological Clinginess: Study: Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder is prevalent yet poorly understood. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://health.msn.com/health-topics/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100235522 ↑
4. Shear, Katherine; Jin, Robert; Meron Ruscio, Ayelet; Walters, Ellen; Kessler, Ronald. (2006, June). Prevalence and Correlates of Estimated DSM-IV Child and Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Retrieved April 1, 2009 from http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/163/6/1074 Table 1 ↑
5. Shear, Katherine.(2006, June). Table 2 ↑
6. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Association. 1994. ↑
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Count me among the ranks that had never heard of ASAD – but it’s pretty darn interesting, and I’ve certainly seen (and had) mild/temporary versions. Those examples were likely below the ‘clinical diagnosis’ level, but it still helps to have a label.
Tori Deaux’s last blog post..Monsters, Movies and Menaces: The Horror Film of Personal Growth & Project Launches
Thanks for your comment, Tori!
I’ve known numbers of people who were labeled “needy,” “clinging,” or “insecure.” I’m sure they have symptoms of ASAD, if they do not meet the criteria for a full-blown diagnosis. Between you and me, I just call them “annoying” and have tried to avoid them. But for some reason they seem attracted to me!
In tomorrow’s post, part 2, there is some discussion of ongoing research into what “symptoms” are normal under dire circumstances or cultural mores, and what is not.
I think I’ve seen mild examples, too but it seemed more like possessiveness or jealousy or excessive nervousness at the time. I guess the class example I can think of in my mind is the spouse that has to tag along everywhere and pitches a fit if the partner has to go out of town. Or, actually I can think of a couple of mothers who I think have separation anxiety with their children and infants, well beyond what I’d consider normal mom jitters at leaving a child with another caregiver.
Not sure what I think about it being a diagnosis, I don’t really have the training to give a real answer. I will say that as a parent of a child with fairly significant developmental disorders it does annoy me when parents of children with what I’d consider very mild forms diagnose their children themselves. Perhaps I should think about why I find it so annoying.
I’ll be interested in reading tomorrow about the cultural factors as it seems like every case I can think of has been a woman. Is it more socially acceptable for women to express these kinds of feelings? Or is it better masked when a man has them because of cultural mores?
Tracy’s last blog post..My First Life Coaching Session
Thank you, Tracy for your comment!
The diagnosis of Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder is so new that many mental health professionals are uncertain about it, too — especially the ones that don’t keep current in the professional journals. So don’t feel bad; a lot of people who should know don’t! Maybe I shouldn’t have asked that question under these circumstances.
Self-diagnosis bothers me a lot, too. You see it a lot in the mental health field. Many people who have never darkened the door of a psychiatrist’s office diagnose themselves, substituting for real knowledge half-truths, pop psychology, and the warped information that comes from television.
And it bugs the stew out of me for people to bandy about terms such as “OCD,” “autistic,” and “schizophrenic” in a kidding way. It, to me at least, shows gross insensitivity and a foolish ignorance of what these disorders are. But don’t get me started.
There’s a lot of research going on right now about cultural factors involved in ASAD, but no reports yet, unfortunately. Tomorrow’s post has information on what’s ahead for research on ASAD.
Women are much more likely to have ASAD than men. I speculate that it is more socially acceptable to express separation- and anxiety-type feelings for women than for men. I also wonder whether men who deliberately isolate their wives and friends from others have some symptoms of ASAD, if not the full-blown disorder. They cannot express these feelings themselves, so they separate others from the outside world through blustering and even physical violence.
Heh, Mike one day we could go sit down and have a drink or coffee and have our self diagnosis rant session. I also don’t care for people using terms like OCD to describe normal behavior.
I was thinking the same thing about how men might express ASAD symptoms differently. I’m guessing that the pressure to hide the symptoms on little boys that have these sorts of tendencies is different than on little girls.
The whole idea of cultural influences having an impact on how mental illnesses are perceived is fascinating.
Tracy’s last blog post..My First Life Coaching Session
Tracy: again, thanks for commenting!
You said, “The whole idea of cultural influences having an impact on how mental illnesses are perceived is fascinating.”
It is fascinating. Unfortunately, most of the time — at least in the American culture — those influences are negative, contributing to the stigma of mental illness. This is a real hot button for me, and I have forced myself not to write about it too often, so as not to bore my readers!
But if you’re interested, there are a bunch of articles I have written. Just enter “stigma” in the search box.
Mike’s last blog post..Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder: Not Just Kids, Part 2
i have read the symtoms and now know that i am not crazy as me and my daughter and 2 grandchildren haven’t seen one another for almost 8 mo. now. i have alot of these synptoms.Thank you so much for your helping me to know that this is normal and others do go through it also. Thank You so Ver, Very much for the information.
Thank you, Judy for your comment. It is gratifying to know that I have helped you in some small way. I do hope that you get to see your daughter and grandchildren soon.
One of the most commonly reported features of mental disturbances is the feeling of being alone, of feeling that no one else ever has had or ever will have the same experiences. And it is a universal relief to know that millions of others have suffered the same pains and heartache.
And just naming symptoms can be a great relief. In all the confusion of suffering, it can help to sort out your feelings to be able to hold on to some named symptoms.
It sometimes seems perverse to know that shared suffering is a comfort, but it is. It’s just one more reason to cling to the ideal that we should be there for each other and support one another in this bewildering journey called life.
I must say, that of all the panic attack blogs and anxiety disorder blogs I have read, this is the best and most informative one.
evl, thank you for the compliment! And thanks for dropping by — I hope to see you often!
You might want to dig deeper into the site using the “Category” tab at the top of each page. You can also do a search on the site using the search box.
Hi Mike,
Great information on ASAD. Thank you. I have been doing some research into my own feelings of anxiety lately. I have been in a long distance relationship for nearly a year now and have terrible anxiety when i return home after seeing my partner. We live on opposite sides of the planet. We can only see each other twice a year. I grave his presence, which leads to my anxiety. I dont know how to get my feelings under control.
Thank you, Melissa, for your comment and for the compliments!
It is really sad that you and your partner are separated by such a distance! I hope, for both of your sakes, that the situation can be resolved soon.
It is only natural to grieve and be anxious about your partner under such circumstances. And indeed, our feelings do seem to get out of control when things get bad.
You didn’t provide enough information (which is ok) for me to say more than this. I’m sorry if what I’ve said sounds sophomoric — I’m very empathetic of your situation. My daughter and her husband have been torn apart by circumstances for almost a year and a half, and I’ve seen how she suffers daily due to the separation. She sees a therapist and takes medication, but sometimes — like this past week — the anxiety and grief almost overwhelm her. There’s a chance he will get to come home in a couple of months, but if he doesn’t, I am very concerned for her mental stability.
Therapists do more than treat mental disorders; they can be very helpful in situations such as yours to help you cope with the separation. Have you thought about seeing a mental health professional to help you get through this sad situation?
Please keep me informed of your progress. If you want to email me privately, you can use the “Contact” tab at the top of each page.
Hello there, this is such an interesting site. I suffer with separation anxiety – I have been with my husband now for 20 years and we have been very close throughout our relationship, to the point that we work together, commute together and travel together. However, it has now become that I get severe anxiety if he has to go away on a trip on his own without me. We have a family now and pets to look after so one of us has to be at home for them. I find that if I am the one that goes away on a business trip, I am ok, but if I am the one that stays at home to look after the family, then I suffer severely with anxiety to the point that I just cannot think straight, have shocking panic attacks and my thinking becomes impaired and irrational. I know that I am being irrational, but how does one overcome this. Does it stem from my childhood? My mother left when I was just 3 years old and a wicked step mum moved in. I never had any contact with my real mum until I was 18 and then found that we really did not have a great deal in common. I dont want to have anxiety separation, but how does one overcome it. Many thanks and please, please keep up the good work on this site. I had searched through many more before finding this one and feel somewhat better already to learn that I am not on my own, but when the time comes for my husband to go on another trip, I will be feeling anxious again!!!!! J. xx
So i think that i have a mild case of seperation anxiety. However i have linked it to me moving away from california where i had lived for the past 15 1/2 years with the same people. i moved all the way to georgia and that’s when i had a strong sense of anxiety when i started school. i would beg my mom to take me to school and pick me up for as long as i could but after a week and a half she refused and i had to ride the bus. i learned to cope with it the best way i could and found that messing with my earrings or bitting my fingers helped ease me some. however my anxiety has become less i also formed a new one in the process of getting that one. There would be times when i could not be home by myself because i would have anxiety attacks because i had a sense of fear that something bad would happen, not so to those that i loved but to me. it became became pretty bad to where i would have to go to a friends house almost every day until my parents came home. i dont feel this as much as i use to however i do find myself still having some cases where i cannot be alone and if i am i get very anxious and nervous.
Mike, Around 10 mo. ago I emailed you on my anxiety seperation disorder. Then, I didn’t know what was wrong with me until you helped me to put a label on it. I then knew that I wasn’t alone in the feelings that I was feeling and that it is an actual disorder. Since I was made aware of this, I am now doing much better and I owe it all to you! Even though, I have not been able to see my daughter or grandchildren, I have realized that it is my disorder. That it does probally stem from my chilhood. Being aware of this, I have accepted that I may never talk to my daughter or grandchildren again and am not so sure that I would want to for fear of this happpening again. I focus on different things now and when I catch myself obbsessing over this matter I quickly redirect my attention to something more productive. I can not let this take over the rest of my life and I am trying desperatly not too! Although it still hurts and I beleive it is an injustice to me, as well as my grandchildren . While living only 10 minutes apart, I do not go places where I may run into them. I guess avoidense has helped. I do owe it to you Mike. Had I never known of this disorder and been able to identify it with, what I was feeling, I may not be where I am at today. I now realize that because of this disorder I had such a problem with being away from my daughter and grandkids. This is my problem and my daughter probally isn’t giving it a second thought. Thank you so much Mike for doing the research that you do on seperation anziety disorders. Good luck to all the people whom share this disorder and I hope they too find ways to refocus and redirect their attention when the terrible feelings of being afraid, nerveousness, lost and just not knowing what is wrong or what to do with those feelings. Thank You much Mike and Please keep up your good work. I know that you have helped more people than just me. Please keep me updated, as it always helps to read about it. After all, knowledge really is power!!! Judy
I have it with my little sister.
It affects my life everyday.
i dont know how to stop it.
its affecting me in a bad way and i need help
i cant even go to school without her
I have seperation anxiety from my mom. I’m 16 . I’m so miserable. I want it to go away but I seem to not be able to control it. I haven’t gone to school for weeks. They want to put me into a residential program where i’d be seperated from my mom. But the anxious feelings inside me just don’t go away. I’d never judge anyone with any type of psychological problem because no one can understand unless they’ve felt this. It’s pain within ones self, and it’s uncontrolable. I just want to be freed.
Hi Mike. I am pretty sure I suffer from ASAD and know that I suffered from separation anxiety as a child. However, as a child you could scream and cry and people would come to your rescue. As an adult, I need to deal with the anxiety on my own and let it fester, which is terribly uncomfortable. For me, ASAD manifests itself most horribly in breakups. I think I have come to take control of my ASAD in terms of leaving my family, or leaving home for a while, and while there is always the initial nerves, I have mentally overcome them and they do not effect me severely or for long periods of time (there is always an adjustment period, but it gets shorter as I get older). On top of the fact that I know my family will always be there for me. In terms of breakups, this could be with a close friend or with a boyfriend, I am effected horribly. And for years and months I have stayed in bad relationships, wrapped up in a person, and allow them to put me on the back burner (and I put up with this treatment) because the relief of being with them and the relief of my anxiety, generally outweighs the negatives in the relationship. I also feel this ASAD with friends, and often get very upset when friendships have ending points. I struggle with this anxiety on a daily basis when I am single and it effects my work and I cannot focus, however, it subsides when I am around alot of people and close friends. Further, having plans to do something with someone and knowing that I will not be alone also reduces this anxiety. It completely disappears when I am with an ex-boyfriend. Although, hanging around ex boyfriends has become increasingly unhealthy and I want to take the final stance to move on-any suggestions as far as what to do to deal with this anxiety?
Mike, Since I last wrote to you about 71/2 mo ago, my boyfriend also left me and married another woman. I have become totally unclinging. I do not associate with anyone. When someone tries to just be a friend, I immediately think this won’t last so why go there? Is this normal? I have become very cautious and stay to myself. I do not want to get close to anyone. I still have not seen my daughter or grandchildren and don’t want to for fear seperation will happen again. Am I actually getting over this? However, this is no life. Thanks Mike. Judy
Hello Mike, I actually stumbled across a website called ‘Misdiagnosed’ last night and could not believe what i was reading was actually true. I am a 34yr. old woman that has been been diagnosed with bi-polar about 5 yrs ago. I think i need to back up a little bit first. My mom and dad divorced when i was 6 mos old. She raised me ( the best she could). I have a sister and brother that was with my dad. I very vaguely remember going there and the only 2 mental pics I have was having asthma attacks and my brother wanting to play “spin the bottle”. I was like 4yrs. old. there wasnt ever a hug from my dad tho. In 1992, i was 16, mom moved us to Arkansas. Not 6 mos later she attempted suicide while i was at school. I got into a fight that day and needed her and she was dying. Got her to the ER and they took her to a Mental hospital in Springfld. she never came back. i was homeless. I’m 34 now. I was married for 7 years. I got involved with a church for 6 of those years. I got very close to the pastors. i didnt trust them for like 3 yrs but when i did I thanked God for them. it was like I was given a second chance to be a loveable daughter. In 2003 they left and I was divorced the next year. (no attachment to my husband)? after my divorced I met I believe was my soul-mate. I hadnt been diagnosed with bipolar yet and was emotionally everywhere. I know that A.J. had gotten me thru the grieve of losing my pastors. we were engaged but I left him (for my kids-was my reasoning) in 2005. he was only 21 and i believed we would end up marriedd. He died Oct. 25, 2006. After he died I started having siezures. since the seizures my short term memory has been damaged. Ive never had a long term one. I do not remember 7th grade down and it’s vague. I got addicted to opiads from back surgery in 04. Ive overdosed many times and finally i wnt to a drug rehab and was released Oct. 6 2009/ I havent touched pills since but I still self medicate with alcohol ect. I got into a fast relationship and he left me because of a fight in walmart. seemed silly to me but i felt myself breaking. In the past month my blood pressure has been high. it’s been perfect my whole life until now. My anxiety level is sky high. I forgot, my mom moved back here 2 yrs ago b/c she heard i was bad since A.J. died. well, i started having a burning spot on the back of my left shoulder and it will go thr me under my breastbone. i get sharp pains that radiates thru my side and a little down my arm. hurts to breath in. i have asthma and its not that but different like my lung has collapsed. I havent felt it for like 3 days tho. it was concerning me cause i would just walk out to the car and be just exhausted and in pain. I suppose that’s my story up to this point and cant wait for some input. p.s. i left out about my girls. me being poor “insane” and “selfish”( according to this town) i have given their dad and his family permission to let them live there. we have joint cust. but I know I’m not fit. I see them at least 3 times a week and feel guilty at times. it sucks to not ever been given a chance to be a “normal” mother, daughter, wife or sister. But i have to accept that is wasnt in the cards for me. I now have a little hope for a peaceful mind. if i have seperation anxiety disorder you havent a clue the guilt that i dont have to have anymore. It will put a “stamp of approval” on me if you will.
Hi Mike,
I think I suffer with this disorder, because anytime Im in a relationship I never want to end it even when I know that its not a healthy relatinship and it not going any where. I have sat down an thought about this over the years and I feel like I continue to go back an forth with these unhealthy relationships because I don’t want to be alone. I always feel a scense of abondonment.
the publish seems to upward being great and really much helpful to the people along with repetitive searches for these kind of articles. Thank you really much.
I think this might be what i have. I am planning on moving to Canada, on my own and until i got my visa i was fine, but the minute this came through, i started feeling very scared at the prospect of moving so far away from my parents who live just 10 minutes away now. I was shaking and feeling nauseas and keep having “what if” thoughts, what if something happens to them and i cannot get back in time, what if i don’t fit in, what if no one likes me, what if i cannot find another job and give up everything i have here etc etc.
My main worry, however, is moving so far away from my dad and mum, which is very worrying as i am nearly 37 years of age and i think this must be crazy at my age.
I feel like i am losing it and cannot stop worrying about everything.
Hi. Separation anxiety disorder is destroying my life, and probably my husband’s and two sons as well. My sons are just graduated from University and may want to go abroad to further their studies, I am falling apart at the thought of it, how will I manage without them, they would be so far away if anything happened to me/them. I ring my husband constantly during the day and if he doesn’t answer I become obsessed and keep ringing until he answers. I had a childhood trauma, I was in a childrens home for about 8 weeks when I was 20 months old because my mother was in hospital and my father couldnt mind me. It had an awful impact on me, right through my whole life. I can remember it, I fretted so much apparently I wouldn’t eat and got pneumonia. This is affecting me so much right now, I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder and depression. I cannot enjoy the present because I am so afraid of the future if this makes sense ? I really need advice on what to do to be able to move forward and and also be happy for my sons if they are furthering their education away from home. I just don’t want anyone to leave me, I am very needy and that is not good at 54 years of age. Can anyone help ?
I beLieve I have been affected by Adult Separation Disorder since my early twenties (currently 52). I lost my parents in my early twenties and my only brother never recovered from their death. I now have a wonderful family – an 11 yearold boy and an 8 year old girl. Whenever my wife and children go away I am plagued with excessive worrying and sometimes very fearful about their safety. I have learned to manage it but it is not fun at all – the feeling can be relentless.
Thanks to this post and one other, I too now have a name for what I suffered from as a child and all the way through my adulthood. I felt ashamed and defective for my over-attachment to my mother (mostly caused by the rejection of my father I imagine). I am now a 36 year old mother of a two year old daughter. The same attachment I had for my mom (now gone due to heart disease) that plagued me through the end of her life I seem to have transferred to my toddler daughter. I’ve always known that this is debilitating and unhealthy, and I fear what my attachment to her does to her. Fortunately she is being socialized better than I had the opportunity since I couldn’t stand separations with my mom (she couldn’t leave the house without me or even see a movie, and I refused overnights with my grandmother), so she is doing a little better than I did at her age. I hope that I can find a mental health provider that is familiar with this disorder that can offer some hope, help and treatment. I live in California and am always terrified of being at work, away from my daughter and husband during the major earthquake we know will soon come. It is painful to live this way. When I was a child, I sometimes wondered if it wouldn’t be better to just not exist, as there wouldn’t be that fear and terror of something happening to my mother…and not its my daughter I fear separation from most. Its so sad.
Oh my God! I have finally found a name for what “ails” me. As I look back on my earlier life, I realize that this disorder has been pervasive since in my late teens. I never got into relationships because I did not have the faith in myself to be “good enough” for someone else.
But for the last ten years, it has gotten ridiculously debilitating. Everytime I find someone I truly bond with, they seem to leave, probably because my incessant need to know where they are and what they are doing at all times causes them to.
I have not been to work in the last four days because my significant other has been staying with family. I do not eat or sleep whe he is not with me. I consistently browbeat him about being a better spouse. I have physical manifestations such as sweating palms, headaches, etcx.
I am currentlt taking Zoloft but it does absolutely nothing for the feelings of abject fear when we are apart. Now I geuss I know what to tak with my Dr. about. Thank you for an informative article and a place to start.
I have this. I googled “separation anxiety” and read this. I am 52 years old and I think I have had it since I was a 2nd grader. When I was a 2nd grader, after a traumatic day at school one day, my life changed, I couldnt go to school unless I could see my mom or my grandma’s car across the street from the window in my room at school, my mom was a beauty operator and my grandma cleaned the shop, so usually one of their cars would be there. If it was not there, I would cry and have to call my mom from the school. that is when it started. I function well and have for many years, but have noticed the past few years that old feeling is coming back. My kids are grown, but I have to call them everyday to make sure they are ok, I always have a fear of something bad happening to them. I have to check on my husband too when he is not home. I have attached myself very close to my grandchildren, ages 3 and 10 and always have since they have been on this earth. When I go on trips, I am always full of mixed emotions, don’t want to leave the people at home, and don’t want to I always seem to be “torn” between seeing people. It’s very strange. I don’t know why it has gotten worse as I have gotten older, but I am glad to know it has a name now, maybe it is something that can be dealt with.
After reading this article and some of the examples given in the comments I believe I have “separation anxiety” and probably some mild case of depression as well. I went through a very traumatic experience when I was a child and I believe this may be the root of my anxiety. My husband has a very bad sense of time and when he says I’ll be home in an hour it usually means two or three and even though I know this is his lack of perception or planning I get very anxious if he is later than usual and does not call or calls me last minute to say he is going to run errands after work. If I call him and he does not answer I have a sinking feeling in my stomach even though I know he is at work and he can not always answer his cell phone. He is a great man and treats me really good and I don’t want to push him away because I am clingy.. I know so I try to focus on other things but I start thinking bad things so if I know he is not going to be for dinner or a friend invited him to dinner or has a late business meeting I try to not be home because it is much harder to be home and sit there an wait for him then it is to go out and try to focus my attention away from the fact that he is not home… He has never been unfaithful and has never given me reason to not trust him but I have had some really bad relationships and I don’t trust anyone. I feel rejected (although not necessarily the case) by my own children. (I am almost sure it’s due to the anxiety)… I don’t want to take any medication but I don’t know what else to do. Can you give me a bit of advice or point me in the right direction. Thank you ahead of time for your help..
I have a comment for Manzana that commented below my comment. When you said you get a sinking feeling when you can’t reach your husband sometimes on the phone, I sort of felt a connection to you, I do exactly the same thing. When I call my husband sometimes, even though I know where he is or maybe that he can’t get to the phone right away, if I can’t get hold of him, I get a knot in the pit of my stomach, and get a feeling that something bad could have happened. It is not uncommon for my husband (or my kids who are grown) to get maybe 5 missed calls from me on their cell phone because I am so nervous about not being able to reach them. Just wanted to share that, you are not alone in going through that.
Omg i feel like this every time my fiance leaves to go out with friends to shops or even to work. What if some thing happens to him, what if he finds some one better than me and leaves me. It is seriously affecting our relationship. i dont call or text him when he is gone but all i do is sit in the lounge and wait for him to come home, with my mobile on my lap in case he calls. It is so bad i dont want to feel like this at all i totally trust him but i still cant stop doing it. Every time my man leaves i go quiet and try so hard not to let him know that i dont want him to leave but i know he is gettig more and more upset with me. (I dont blame him at all) HELP can i get over this and be normal.
Thank you Cheryl for sharing. Like u just knowing what I’m feeling has a name helps me out a bit. As for Coll what I have noticed is if my husband let’s me know ahead of time that he is goin to go out with friends etc it gives me both a chance to mentally prepare and also do something with a friend or family member and try to scheduler time to be home no earlier than him. I too carry my cell phone and I am constantly checking to see if he has called or sent me a text. So it’s not really a complete solution but it is helping me cope and learn to be more independent which I have read is healthy for a relationship. Hope this helps a bit. Good luck.
I had taken vacation from work and was home for almost 2 weeks. during the that time my husband had made a comment from time to time that he didnt want me to go back to work (he is currently laid off). Two days before having to return to work he started saying it more and the day before was even worse. The day I had to go back to work he tried to beg me to stay home “call off”. I had gone to work and told him if u need me call me. About 2 hours in I called him and talked to him he kept asking me “is it time to come home yet?” and “cant i just come get you?” About an hour and a half later he called very upset he was crying & he wanted me. I talked him through it and by the end of the conversation he said he felt a little better just talking to me. This obviously isnt the first time and I am sure it wont be the last time but when I got home this morning we talked about how he worked himself up to having a breakdown. We decided that it was a seperation issue and began looking it up. He feels better knowing that someone else has experiences the same as he does and that it is identified as something truly wrong and not just him. Unfortunately this has been going on for the last few years and he has even turned to alcohol as a coping method (now sober) especially after losing both of his parents. Being able to identify with ASAD gives us a starting point and HOPE…. Thank you
Hi. Please bare with me as this story requires a lil background before i give my two cents. For the last 22yrs, my mother has lived w me and my family (husband, 2 kids). It was a roommate type of situation, however I knew that as time passed, and she became more and more ill that I would become her primary caregiver, as she made me promise her yearss ago to never let anyone put her in a nursing home. The last 2-3yrs she slowly, steadily declined. Meanwhile, my 18yr old son joined the ARMY and deployed to Afghanistan for over a year. Throughout that year mom had multiplr hospitalizations, most of which NONE of us believed she would pull out of, but she sure DID! Her promise to my son, “You make it home to me, and I promise Ill be around to see it! Ok? Ok! “Deal!” After a long hard year which earned him a Purple Heart during a very close call he made it home. They both kept up their end of the bargain! Well, 3wks after his return to the US he was granted 30 days of leave and came home for it. I was working a LOT that first week he was home so i didnt get much quality time w/him….but really, neither did anyone else. He was “different.” Friday night, 3/18/11 he and i got into a heated argument over his total lack of respect for me, in MY home. Long story short, i slapped him across his face, he broke my leg. I kicked him out and until 3 days ago not one word had been exchanged btwn us. I have lost my son :’( .. Meanwhile, moms health continued to deteriorate and wound up on hospice (home). she faught a good fight but ultimately lost it on “Conco De Mayo,” 5-5-11. She was home, just like i promised her it would happen all those years ago. NOW? Nowww….whattt. I am a lost soul. I went from working /maintaining my job at the same hospital for over 5yrs, while still providing excellent care (w help from my daughter, 17 and my husband) to losing mom just a handful of days ago, being laid off from my position at work, my son and i are still not on good terms, although he did call when mom died, but it was a very cold/short convo. Now? I can barely find it in me to leave the house. if i do, im ok so long as i know someone will be there when i return. My daughters gone back to school. My husband goins back to work this monday. and im terrifieddd!!! I Have NO words please excuse the typos….can hardly see straight. Anyway, if THIS isnt separation anxiety, i dont know what is. Im not missing my new puppy, or new boyfriend who i just kissed 5,000 times before we left one another….or maybe what I have is more serious thanASAD. I have no idea. All i konw is that, “Damn! We’re in a tight spot!)
I feel I arrived at ASAD after my wife died Dec. 2008. I an in a relationship now, but it seems when we are apart for uncontrollable reasons I become overwhelmed and scared. This causing a huge strain on our relationship and could cause it to end. I love her dearly and fear losing her. HELP!!! What can I do to be a better me for us.
Hello AC, as you can see I have made a couple of post previously. I know exactly what you are going through and I was so worried about the way I was feeling and how my mind wandered into catastrophic thinking I made an appointment with a therapist.. Luckily I have health insurance now but I wanted to share what he told me. After I shared with him my bad experience with my stepfather and my ex-husband, the therapist said it is normal for me to feel anxious and scared because I (as well as many others) have had really bad experiences in my past. He said that what I had to do was “Self Soothe” He went on to say that it is not a bad thing to want to be with my husband because that is part of my core values but that when I could not be with him, instead of thinking (he doesn’t love me, or he’s thinking of leaving me) because those are the first things that come into my mind when we are not together, to remind myself what a great person I am and why would he NOT want to be with me if I am (and to start listing all my qualities) This helped a great deal as in fact, I am a great person, you are too and all the people here experiencing this ASAD are great.. We need to learn to “Self Soothe” and move past the fear and anxiety and eventually we will be able to wait for our spouses to return without even blinking and wonder why we were ever anxious to begin with… Hope my therapist advice helps you as it helped me.. Good luck…
Hi.I am a 33 year old daycare teacher. As I have observed my students struggle w/separation anxiety, I began to realize I might have it myself. My childhood was an abusive cycle.Mom hits, mom apologizes,mom hits again…never felt sure of love dad was an on the road trucker,always coming and going,and never rescuing like i wanted…married a man who became increasingly distant from me,finally leaving me w/ two little boys and a little girl on the way to be w/his young employee.looking back, i was always so clingy.i believe this contributed to his distance.fastforward 6 years, i began dating w/much fear and trepidation…quickly repeating the cycle and driving away a nice man who tried his best to help me.
(still friends,but anything more became a drain on him) I am now at the beginnings of a relationship and seeing the signs i could do it again, so i am trying to do some research,be proactive,and very,very honest w/him about my experience,my fears. seeing all this info, and everyone’s experiences is so helpful…i feel that much less alone.thank you.
Anxiety disurder help
I have been suffering from seperation anxirty disorder. I dont want to loose my good friend i want to be normal n not put pressure on my close friensdships. I am seeing a counslir but i need feedback from someone else.
I have a comment for Lava bert, I wish we could all get together and find something that helps us all.. I too want to be normal “if there is such a thing” I went to my Dr. and he said that due to my bad experiences in the past it is normal to feel separation anxiety especially when it comes to the ones we love but sometimes even though my Dr. said it, I still feel abnormal.. I get so sick of myself and I act like a 2 year old or worse… All I can say is that I can relate to some form or fashion to all the comments posted on this website and I would have hoped that some professional would look at them and give us more insight. My Dr. said that when I start feeling anxious or separation anxiety I should remind myself what a great person I am and why would “my husband, friends, family etc:” not want to be with me? Sometimes this helps, but other times it does not even come close. I know some great, fantastic individuals who’s husband’s or wives have left them for other not so great people… Hopefully my Dr.’s advice helps someone more than it has helped me.. Good luck.. :-)
I feel my boyfriend of 2 years is suffering from this adult separation disorder. I can never go out with my friends and when I do, I have hundreds of calls and texts in just a few hours. He says the same thing over and over. “There are things you could be doing at the house” , or “you should be doing something positive, other than sitting a bar socializing with your friends”, ” what about me”. We live together and are together all the time except for when we work I have 2 children and he doesnt see that time as together time when the kids are home. I have tickets to an upcoming event and is soo mad because tickets are sold out he asked how he can volunteer at the event.
His mother had told me as a child he could not be away from her or his dad and would sleep on the floor of there bedroom to be close to them. He has been married twice and did have a problem with alcohol that since has been better since i intervened.
If he answers somebodies question he always says” right babe” isnt that right” He has no self confidence and its driving us apart.
Hi,
I was assessed in school with anxiety and believe both my mom and myself have separation anxiety. My grandma had my mom at a late time in her life and decided she was done raising children and being a mom so left my grandpa and her two sisters with their married families to raise her. My grandma was always in my moms life but not as she went out every night to visit her friends and same on week-ends. She felt abandoned and unloved.
My parents had fights constantly while I and my brothers grew up. My mom would each time pack her suit cases and line my brothers and I up at the door and say. “Your Dad and I love each other but are getting a divorce. I must leave you.” She would leave after their angry fight and we would not hear from her for days. Each time she would show many days later after she figured everyone had suffered enough. Each fight would have the same outcome and caused my brothers and myself so much distress.
I found that my relationships I was smothering each one as afraid to let go for even a minute. I needed to be constantly reassured where they were, that they still liked me, wanted to stay in the relationship. I would call or email I incredible amounts during each day. The more I felt the relationship was in distress the more I had to try to reach them to fix it. I knew how wrong and obsessive it looked but could not stop. The sick feeling created from constant worry was worse. This is still me today, I am in a 15year marriage and now my husband tells me he is not in love but happy to stay together. I know this is marriage is not for me any longer as he does not even look at me. I can’t seem to leave him or my marriage. Even his business trips send me into pure anxiety and I can’t think or function as worrying constantly. How do I get over this. All my other relationships are also the same in how I handle them. I tend to call and email my friends and family too much as well and obsess on making the relationships perfect and being accepted
Hello,
I am a 28 year stay at home father of one kid. You have no idea how reassuring it feels to know that other people feel the way I do. I have been with my wife for 6 years and married for 3. I totally freak out when my wife has to leave out of town. The thoughts of, “I’m not good enough for her” or ” she’s looking for someone” consumes my mind. I just shut down, become absorbed with my thoughts and emotions. The sinking stomach feeling seeps in deep and my world crumbles around me. I love my wife very much. She has never done anything to cause me not to trust her. What makes it even worse is she is understanding of my condition. Yet I have these feelings! Why? Feeling this way makes me feel weak, vulnerable and guilty.
I was reading several post and found that some people suffer from this disorder because of child hood trauma. Both physical and mental abuse attribute to the disorder. I was everything short of killed as a child. My mother being of the abusive nature showed discipline with her fist, and various objects around the house. Belts, extension, chords, meat tenderizers and others were all used in “disciplining” the child. She also seem to only attract abusive boyfriends. You get the picture! How can a mother point a gun at her 15 year old son, LOADED!!! Then in the same week say how much she cares. I think that may have something to do with my separation anxiety. Never fully understanding what a healthy relationships is suppose to look like.
I want it to stop so bad. I hate feeling this way! I especially hate the strain it can put on a relationships sometimes. I’m truly happy with my wife, I don’t want this to cause any more damage. How do I work through this?
Mike,
I just wanted to comment with thanks for the rich information in the posting. I am 20 yrs old and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 4 yrs now and suffer greatly from ASAD symptoms for both seperation and anticipation of seperation. When I/her are at work and are seperated my mind can’t focus on the task at hand and wonders to distressing thoughts of losing her. I often dream of this too, sometimes recalling the dream entirely and sometimes never remembering the dream, but waking with such a jolt, I can never return to sleep. Also, during more stressful events like moving apt’s and changing jobs/working hrs, the anxiety becomes worse sometimes causing panic attacks where I can’t control my breathing and my hands and face go numb. I have struggled with this for years and with more people in my life as well, and its tough to try and hide.
I had sap as a child that was untreated. My father lived out of area and would drive us to stop a few streets from my moms. I would always go there complaining of sicknesses and sometimes becoming physically ill so that I could stay close to my mother. I would cry and have panic attacks if she wouldn’t answer her phone as a young child and still held onto other childhood actions such as rocking myself to sleep and impulse to be coddled. This too is debilitating for me as it makes me feel weak for a 250ib man. Though her lifestyle was dangerous as she slowly progressed from alcahol to drugs. I lost her at age 12 from heroine. It was the hardest thing in my life to go through.
Through all of this though I still try to control my symptoms and usually can take control. I try and distract myself daily with more chores and other activities to take my mind off of the feeling, but every day is still a struggle.
If there is any information that you have, or can direct me to, about how to better control/overcome these symptoms please let me know. Thank you for your time.
Drew
I believe my friend may be going though separation anxiety as my friend possess a lot of the symptoms. I believe my friend got it from the mother because my friend has described how the mother has high separation anxiety with my friend.
Do you know of any ways to help control, help, or deal with someone that as separation anxiety?
Thanks!
I have this as well and I have written blogs about my maladies as well. It not that is a new syndrome, I think it is because the DSM-IV is floored and Psychiatry isn’t a science. Only my opinion. I have inappropriate emotional responses to everything!
I have just stumbled upon the reference page, read it, and thoroughly identify with many of the symptoms, albeit in non-excessive forms.
My parents divorced when I was three years old and my two older sisters and I were put in Salvation Army institutions for children until my father gained sole custody. My two older sisters were placed together in an institution for older children. I was placed in a separate institution for babies and toddlers.
The separation from my father when I went to live with my mother at age 15 was also a difficult period. Then there was the separation from my mother again when I left home at age 19 years.
I am 55 years old now, but still feel the emotional pain of separation from both parents. This childhood and adolescent separation anxiety has persisted into adulthood and never been diagnosed. It surfaced in undiagnosed depression at age 22 years associated with an existential crisis, and then again in severe depression and suicidal tendancy at age 54 years in association with my grown up children leaving home and yet another existential crisis.
Fortunately I am still married (never been divorced). I put the longevity of my marriage down to continued education (I have a degree and two diplomas in different fields) and a thirst for knowledge about ethical philosophy and more lately ethnology (ethical neurobiology). I also attribute the long gap between my first and second existential crisis down to the placating effect of creating a substitute paternal and maternal emotional attachment in a cognitive construct that I called my soul, and with which I believed I could communicate with a supernatural being many call God/Jesus.
The eventual realisation of what I had done mentally, and the anxiety that this sense of total responsibility for my well-being and ethical behaviour led to the second severe existential crisis.
I suspect that there are many more millions of adults with undiagnosed ASAD resulting from the affects of parental marriage breakups. I suspect there are also many millions of adults who have attempted to placate their anxiety with religion.
Hi,
Thank-you for this. I have separation anxiety. I am 39 and have had it since childhood. Leaving home for school was traumatic. My father left when I was 15 which escalated it. My marriage was damaged by it. My new relationship is one where both myself and my partner work away from each other. I have chosen this to try to build my confidence. However it makes me physically ill with stress anxiety and horrible thoughts too many to mention. Thank-you again