All couples have their share of challenges.
But when one half of a couple has an Anxiety Disorder, partners face a whole new set of challenges. And the issues associated with Anxiety Disorders may exacerbate many of the normal issues that couples face.
One partner may not know how to help his or her significant other and becomes frustrated, angry, resentful or feel guilty, sad or hopeless about the situation. Over time, this will severely hamper your ability to care for your partner with a Anxiety Disorder.
It is important that you understand that you need to take care of yourself. Immersing yourself in your partner’s Anxiety Disorder can be debilitating, and you are not being selfish to want to have a break.
How can an Anxiety Disorder affect a couple’s relationship?
An Anxiety Disorder can take a major toll on a couple. A study done by the Anxiety Disorders Association America in 2004 reveals in great detail how a couple’s relationship is affected. Although it only studied people with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), it likely holds true for people with other Anxiety Disorders.
The study found that a couple’s relationship suffered the most compared to other personal relationships, such as friends and family. People with GAD were twice as likely to have at least one relationship problem, and three times more likely to avoid being intimate with their partner. In addition, 75 percent said that they felt their disorder impaired their ability to perform normal activities with their partner, such as going out and social activities.
How can you help yourself if your partner has an Anxiety Disorder?
Living with an Anxiety Disorder is associated with a great deal of personal distress. But it can be equally hard for a partner. The reality of living with a partner with an anxiety disorder is not how most people imagined their lives would turn out.
It is extremely important — and not selfish — for the partners of individuals with an Anxiety Disorder to take care of themselves as well as for their partner. Here are some tips to help you cope:
- Don’t give up your own life and interests. Engaging in outside interests and hobbies can provide a much-needed break from the stress of your daily life. You will be more energized, happier, healthier and better prepared to face challenges. It is important to take this time for yourself and not become completely consumed with your partner’s disorder.
- Have your own social life. Whether it’s going out to eat with a friend, singing in the church choir, or going to club meetings, it is essential that you get out and away from your partner from time to time.
- Keep active and exercise. Regular exercise can help you feel more positive, and gives you energy and stamina. It will help you get out of the house and get your mind off your stressful situation.
- Eat healthy. Having a balanced diet will not only help the way you feel, but will help the way you think.
- Maintain a support system. Having friends and family to confide in and count on — as well as assist you emotionally, financially and in other ways when your partner cannot — is vital for an individual whose partner has an Anxiety Disorder. You can feel isolated and overwhelmed by problems sometimes, and having someone to talk to helps greatly. There are support groups for caregivers in many communities.
- Relax. Take the time to relax just for yourself. You may have a favorite activity such as reading, gardening or listening to music. Or you may just enjoy sitting and enjoying the scent of a candle. The important thing is that you regularly take time for yourself.
- Express yourself. Our creativity often goes unnoticed, even by ourselves, much less given a regular outlet. Find a way to express your emotions and needs on a regular basis, such as journaling, blogging, painting, writing or some other method.
- Set boundaries. Decide where your limits lie and inform your partner of those. These might be emotional, financial, physical, etc. For example, if your partner is not working and is not doing anything to try to become well such as seeking treatment, you may need to have a serious discussion about your expectations and how to move forward to improve the situation. Couples therapy can often help with this.
- Seek out professional help for yourself if necessary. The recovery process can be stressful for partners of people with Anxiety Disorders. Your well-being is just as important as your partner’s. If you need someone to talk to, or you think you may be suffering from symptoms of anxiety or depression yourself, you should talk to your doctor or consider visiting a mental health care professional yourself.
What do you think?
If you are the partner of someone with Anxiety Disorder, you know how hard it can be sometimes. You should not feel guilty or selfish for regularly taking the time and energy to take care of yourself!
- Are you the partner of someone with Anxiety Disorder or another mental disorder?
- What have you learned about taking care of yourself?
- Have you experienced emotions such as frustration, guilt or anger? How have you overcome them?
What can you do now?
Your comments are always welcome, and are important to this blog’s community! Leave a comment now.
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Resources used in this post:
Anxiety Disorders Association of America. (2004). New Survey Reveals How Generalized Anxiety Disorder Interferes with Ability to Maintain “Healthy” Relationships. Retrieved April 29, 2005 from Anxiety Disorders Association of America Web site: http://www.adaa.org/aboutADAA/newsletter/newsurvey04.htm
Anxiety Disorders Association of America. (2008). When Your Partner Has an Anxiety Disorder. Retrieved July 16, 2008 from Anxiety Disorders Association of America Web site: http://www.adaa.org/gettinghelp/MFarchives/MonthlyFeatures(june07).asp
Framingham, Jane. (2007, October 23). 10 Tips to Help Yourself. Retrieved June 27, 2008 from Psych Central Web site: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/10-tips-to-help-yourself/
Further reading:
Well Spouse Association
©2008 Anxiety, Panic & Health. All rights reserved.
Related Posts:
- Helping a Family Member with an Anxiety Disorder
- Anxiety Disorders Common But Often Undiagnosed
- 95% of Diagnosed Social Phobia Sufferers Originally Go to Doctor for a Different Problem
- Anxiety Common in Elders, But Goes Undiagnosed and Undertreated
- Chronic Insomnia Can Lead to Anxiety Disorders
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I followed from the DIY theme forum, about your resolved issue. Very good setup of the posts.
I have Anxiety & Panic about an issue and see the impact that it has on people close to me. I try and tell them to just leave me – I leave the room when it kicks in – but people will not.
Will reference your post.
Thank you for the complements!
Most often people want to help but do not know what to do when someone has Anxiety and Panic. So they end up pestering you when that’s the last thing that you want.
I intend to write a post about how to help someone with Anxiety in the very near future.
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thank you for this page. my spouse has been suffering with GAD for years and has finally started getting some help. it has been extremely difficult on me as well, and i feel so many horrible feelings that i dont know how to deal with sometimes. i’m hoping i can find a support group.
hi, i have a boyfriend who’s suffered from GAD for a long time, but was only diagnosed recently, it explained a lot about his behaviour towards me at times which can be quite hostile for no reason whatsoever. i guess i thought in knowing it would bring us closer but its only torn us apart more because he refuses to get treatment which has caused more strain for us. i wish there was a way to try and convince him to get help without having to resort to an ultimatum.
My husband clearly suffers from GAD and depression and has done so ever since i’ve known him (13 years) however refuses to seek help and often denies that he has this condition at all. I
Hi I’m in a relationship with a suspected OCD sufferer and I’m finding it really stressfull and need help and advice, I love my partner but cant cope with the arguments and paranoyia,
please help what can I do?
Regards
Carl Foster
My partner also suffers from anxiety , if any one who has experienced anxiety please help me find a way to help my partner, Is it best to leave them alone ,or am I making it worse. My partner had an attack resently he asked me not to leave the room but not to talk to him, Oh I feel so helpless.
I can definetly tell people that the first step to helping your partners is for them to help themselves, through counselling, if they know why they are anxious, they can start to sort out their issues,unfortunately I had to give my partner an ultimatum before he realised how bad he really was, denial is a terrible thing, and its not fair on you. Please look after yourself , go out, make friends, have a laugh, you are allowed to , this will make you a happier healthier person for your partner. If any one has more information please let me know.
My partner suffers from Panic Attacks, and is in the early stages of pregnancy, which is exacerbating the situation. I often feel isolated and alone because of it, and sometimes harbour resentful feelings. My coping strategies involve music, writing, surfing, football, and remembering the many things that I love about my partner. You can’t have one side without the other, and nobody, myself included, is perfect.
I’ve been married for 20+ yrs. It took me a long time but I finally realized all of our “issues” stemmed from my husband’s anxiety. I have tried every self help noted on your list, but to no avail. My life is stressed out all the time and I am a low-stress , fun person. We are now in the process of separation. My life has to go on – I have spent years and years as his support system and I need someone to love and support me now. It’s sad, but GAD is very real and definitely will take it’s toll over time. He’s been diagnosed as an alcoholic, but I personally think that was his way to self-medicated through his anxiety. He doesn’t drink at all now. Anyway, if you’re reading this and have anxiety, get help, not only for yourself but for those around you who are affected.
I have been married to a wonderful man for 36 years. He has suffered from periods of depression over the years but he always got better. Last fall he experienced an anxiety attack and lost his job due to being unable to continue one aspect of his job. We found help, got counseling and was told he was ready to return to work. However, due to the economy, there are no jobs in our area. The stress has made the GAD much worse. We can barely manage to survive on only my income. We have nearly maxed out my life insurance paid up cash, one of his small retirement funds and all our savings. We are in bankruptcy and I have no insurance at this time. We are managing to pay Cobra for him, but can’t afford any for me. The stress of being supportive is very hard. I don’t feel I have my husband anymore. I keep hoping to wake up one day and he is back. I’m not going anywhere, but there are days when I think about it. I love him and want to help, but when is it my turn? I need support too. I NEED too!! Thanks for letting me sound off. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this struggle.
My wife has a post traumatic stress reaction, and with good reason. Without going into details I can say that she is truly the strongest person I have ever known.
That said being her husband, and before that her boyfriend, has indeed been difficult (I’m sure I’m difficult for her in many ways). When she goes into what I’ve come to call an “anxiety state” she becomes a completely different person: resentful, combative, she really goes for blood. At times she can stay in that state for days, others only a few minutes. She’s normally such a wonderful and supportive person that it comes as quite a shock to me. It doesn’t help that she is incredibly articulate, and knows all my weak spots. She used to suffer from panic attacks (at least a few a day). She isn’t currently working and pretty much slips into an anxiety state whenever the question is broached.
Here’s what I’m grappling with: when is it time to tell her she needs treatment? Part of the problem is that she had to function normally during the events that started the anxiety disorder, and as a result has developed a knee-jerk reaction to deny it. When she’s more lucid she’ll admit that she was really reacting to past events but in the moment she’ll swear up and down that she’s angry about whatever issue is at hand (literally had a two hour incident once over a bowl of breakfast cereal). I know her well enough to say that she’ll refuse treatment long after when it would be healthy to seek it for this reason.
We don’t need the money right now (thank God!), so there’s no urgent need for her to work. I just know she’d be so much happier if she could prove to herself that she could return to work should she want to. All of the literature says not to rush things. Am I being paranoid in thinking she may be “stuck?” It’s been about 4 years since she’s worked.
I’m no saint. I’ve made matters worse at times, I’ve yelled back, I’ve even triggered a few panic attacks of my own. Especially when we were dating; before I understood. I still can’t really forgive myself that.
Don’t waste time feeling bad about the past. You didn’t know so you can’t help what happened then. My husband just returned to work after being off for over a year. He is already nervous and stressed about if he can do the job, can he keep doing it and what do people think. I don’t know how to help him other than offer support and continue to tell him I believe in him. Just be there for her. Don’t let her push you away. She needs to know that you aren’t going anywhere. I get asked that question many times in a week. Why do you stay? Why do you love me? I always answer because of the good person I see during the good times. Keep telling her. Over and Over and Over.
As for treatment. She NEEDS to go. But it has to be her decision. My hubby benefited immensely by treatment. He now knows what is happening and that it is not false. Sit her down during a good time and talk. Ask her to do it for you if not for herself. Find someone that treats her problems. And don’t let her miss a appointment. She will be amazed and reassured by how many people suffer from this. She is not alone and neither are you. Good Luck!
RE Josh – My wife and I have just begun CBT (cognitive Behaviour Therapy). It’s REALLY helpful. My advice is to approach her on a good day and broach the subject. CBT is simply a way of managing your thoughts and by doing so, managing your panic attacks. It works well, but requires both of you to be interested in trying it. The human mind is an incredibly powerful thing. Many panic attack sufferers are scared of the implication that something as simple as thought management could help them control their panic attacks. My belief is that they have an underlying fear that it is ‘all in their heads’ and that this treatment will reveal them to be charlatans. My answer is this: yes, it is ‘all in your head’ but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t manifest itself as very real and difficult to deal with symptoms. CBT helps you to control the incredibly powerful, complex emotional machine that it your brain. I’d recommend it whole heartedly as a very real way of managing your issues. Best of luck.
This is so comforting go realize that other people also share my problem. My partner has a lifelong anxiety condition. I have tried to “manage” theproblem by predicting an outbreak but has only gotten more severe with more paranoia, anxiety and severe physical symptoms such as a migraine every Friday evening, sleeplessness, night scratching and free floating anxiety attacks that pop up at anytime. When we have serious discussions on any subject she will usually block (I’m too stressed to discuss that now! ) but will never agree to future time; just wander off into another room or respond with either deep anger or despondency.
I have just come to the realization that this relationship is perpetually stuck at the same point. Yet when I have suggested therapy, I am met with hostility and avoidance. I often feel that there is another voice she listens too that I have nicknamed the “shame police” who tells her how things must be done to avoid embarrassment or shame. These two emotions are ever-present.
So here I am again! 20+ years into a relationship (married 12 years) that has had to co-exist with ASAD. I have absolutely no doubt that my wife suffers with this disorder and that having read the above I have fallen into just about every hole along what is a gnawing and torchorous path. With a 4 day busness trip in 3 weeks time I am plunged again into the full force of ASAD and its symtoms and the comment in the article above about “Over time, this will severely hamper your ability to care for your partner with a Anxiety Disorder” is so true. I feel I am now bordering on my own issues as a result of my actions and exposure but I thank you for the concise summary above and making me recognise this. I know my wife acknowledges that this behavior is not normal but “treating it” is a different matter. I know there is no quick solution, no magic pill – I so wish that was the case! but where do we start? Breaking point (just walking away) is nearer than ever but I know I owe my family (2 kids) more than that. Any suggestions from anyone would be greatfully received.
My husband of 15 years has GAD. Some days it is like living with a 12 year old. My frustration comes when he feels just, for his anxiety, “anyone would feel this way”. No they wouldn’t, but you can not tell him that. There is always an excuse for his behaviour, it’s someone else fault. I almost left a few times, but I know he is a great, great guy and he doesn’t like the way his brain works. I have seen him rolled up in a ball on the floor crying because of the way he is. He was on Zoloff, his doctor passed away and his new doctor doesn’t want him on it. Zoloff saved our marriage a few years ago, I wish he was on it now. He seems to think he can do it on his own, he can’t.
Thanks!!! I needed this!!
My wife and I have been married two years but together for four. She has had anxiety since before we even started dating but has escalated since we’ve been together. It just so happens her father died about the same time we started dating and left a huge dent in her mental health. She has been doing good for the past two years but started getting worse about six months ago and she finally agreed to get counseling. It has worked wonders, but she was dealt a bad hand this november because they cancelled her appointments for two weeks and took holiday the other two weeks so she fell behind in treatment. I am at my wits end and looking for advice and I am sooooo glad I found this site because I no longer feel bad about the resent and anger I feel. Even though I tell her I’m ok it is really taking a toll on my job, friendships, and mental health. I feel that talking is the best way for any relationship to succeed but my wife also has self esteem issues so if I were to bring up how hard it is on me for her to have these anxiety attacks it would make her feel like a burden to me and lead to depression which I have seen first hand with other family members and is just as disgusting as drug addiction I think. If anybody reading this has ANY advice for me I would greatly appreciate it, maybe somebody who has already gone through this can assure me that there IS a light at the end of this tunnel would be of tremendous help.
I have been living with a man with GAD for 29 years. I kept thinking something was wrong with me because I never seemed to do anything right. After suffering severe clinical depression and seeking counseling, I came to understand that his anxiety was causing my anxiety and depression. I’ve learned coping skills to protect myself from it. Although we’ve gone to marriage counseling together, he still has major anxiety issues. For a while, when his mother was dying of cancer, he took SRUIs and that seemed to help tremendously. Then one say he decided he didn’t like the “crutch” so tossed the medication. The main thing I’ve notice about my husband is that as soon as I try to change myself for whatever faults he finds, he finds another fault. He can’t seem to find happiness with me or with himself. It is very frustrating. I guess the only way to deal is to take care of myself so that his bouts of anxiety don’t overwhelm me?
My wife has severe anxiety disorder. We’ve been married for 25 years. Many times I’ve felt like leaving but I never have. She takes her meds pretty good but gave up on counseling years ago. We have very little social life because her resentment? is too strong. She enjoys going out with me to eat or shop or just a ride.
A few ideas on how to survive: Enjoy the good times as much as you can. Learn to be quiet when things are rough, you can’t argue with a mind that isn’t working. Get away every day for awhile (I like to walk for an hour or two every evening). Keep a lid on your finances however you can and don’t feel bad if you have to hide your money somehow. Have a sense of humor even if you have to keep it to yourself.
My wife is my best friend and if I can be with her in her struggles it makes me humble. Oh Lord it’s hard to be humble. My heart goes out to the problems I read about above. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, but there are good times. Much love.
Help!!! I have finally had it with his gad. His parenting is deeply affected by his had and her strong willed nature.
A real close friend of mine’s husband has anxiety attacks from a death in the family and active military service backflashes and has bad marriage for many years. He is on medications for this to help relieve the depression, but also drinks alcohol (wine). Even if the wife loves him, should the wife leave him? My friend is becoming distressed each day and she eats to relieve her problem.
I met my ex boyfriend 2 years ago, when I met him he seemed normal, he moved back to Ohio for work and being around his family made his illness increase as his sister is also mentallly ill. I didnt know until he changed and started showing who he really was. We couldnt go out of the house, not event to go to the movies or shopping, he couldnt stand it. We couldnt do pretty much anything unless he was drunk. He is 29 years old, without a job or a place to live. He is completely lost and needs help but is to pride to admit it. He knows something is wrong but chooses to ignore it, it is os painful to watch because I love him so much but I couldnt go on. I pray for him and I know he can make if he wanted to. He doesnt have money to go to a psicologist, please if you know of anyone who would treat him for free please let me know. Thank you.
I was hoping to read more positive stories on partners of people who suffer with Social Anxiety Disorder. I have been with my boyfriend now for almost a year. I love him dearly but his condition is really taking its toll on me. He comes from a big family, has a busy job and a closenit group of friends, but when it comes to trying to integrate him in my life, its a constant battle. He goes on holidays with his friends and family, he goes to parties with them but just when it comes to me, I know he has tried but he has only met my family (only 2 of them as I have a v small family) twice in a year. He is agressive and snaps and yells at me and all I am trying to do is be supportive. I know for a fact most women would have walked away but I just can’t. Yesterday we were at my friends wedding. He avoided me the past week saying he was sick, but I knew it was to do with the wedding. He did go to the church and stayed for the dinner and left then. I am greatful as I know from what I read weddings are the ultimate in biggest fears sufferers face. It has taken its toll on friendships and my own relationships as I can’t tell anyone about this. I am a strong person but I am at my wits end. It is coming to the point of issuing an ultimatum as I have spoken to him several times about seeking treatment he says he will and dismisses me or just gets agressive. I feel I am left with no option but to issue an ultimatum. The sad thing is I think he would rather I walk away than get help. My heart is broken.
My girlfriend suffers from extreme panic attacks and I must admit I do find it difficult when she gets one because she close off the world including me and I’m not sure what to do but to give support and give time on her own.
It’s increasing because she is studying, juggling with money and trying to get a job with the foreign service and I think it’s taking a toll on her. She snaps and has very short temper for little things and at times it wasn’t my fault. I knew not to argue because it would make things worse. I love her bits but she wouldn’t speak for days or ignore me when she is very stressed. It’s hard when the love of my love isn’t there by my side. What can I do…
Hi,
reading those posts offers some comfort. I had been living with my partner for six months – during that time GAD kicked in and I have slowly watched my relationship fall apart. Fight or flight – she adopted the latter – moved out of the house and started a new life away from me. She told me that when she got better I would follow her – that was 2 months ago. Since that time we have retained contact via telephone (she refuses to see me) and she has managed to rebuild her life. She says that she loves me but feels that (i) she is emotionally empty and (ii) she needs to rebuild her self confidence. I have struggled with this myself, immersed in learning about GAD, not trying to take things personally and trying to force the issues (ie me seeing her). Its all so surreal when the love of your lifes behaviour changes so that the person you fell in love with is almost unrecognisable.
I have been in a relationship with someone who I BELEIVE suffers from GAD for over 11 years. He will not seek help. He thinks everything he is worried about is valid and makes sense, so he refuses to do anything about it. Despite the fact that he sees and recognizes that other people don’t have the same problems he does, he still thinks they’re all wrong and he’s right so he won’t change.
It has caused so many problems and I feel like at this point the relationship really might not be able to survive anymore.
Because of how nervous and anxious he always has been about money for instance, a number of years ago I hid the fact that we were going into more and more debt, afraid of his reaction. Of course it was so much worse by the time he found out than it was in the beginning, that only exacerbated everything. He now, even years later, doesn’t trust me at all and thinks I am constantly lying about money (I’m not).
I really wish that a long time ago I had realized what was going on and tried harder to get him to seek help because the way things are going he is going to end up alone and so am I. The sad thing is, aside from the anxiety, he is a really good person who cares about the people in his life (though he allows very few in) and always tries to do the right thing. But his anxiety causes so much anger, resentment, depression, and distrust, that he can’t function normally.
Please do yourself a favor and try really hard to get your partner help if you think they suffer from an anxiety disorder. Without help they will never get better.
WOW, I’ve been with my fiancé for two years now, I’ve known her for 7. I never knew, however, she suffered from an anxiety disorder until after I started dating her. We regularly go through good times followed by bad times. Many times almost breaking up, but I’m too stubborn to let her go. She’s an Angel who looks over everyone but herself. It is so amazing how relieved I am to find these comments, to know I’m not alone in dealing with all of the associated problems with Anxiety Disorders.
I’ve really messed up though. Before tonight, I never attributed our relationship problems to anxiety, but after reading the comments above, I see a lot of similarities. Every time I tell her that she does something I don’t like, she then develops a “complex” over it and then has to worry about doing it again. I’ve always thought she was babied/pampered/spoiled growing up and her family too afraid to say anything to her and that is what made her how she is. I acted accordingly and took the stance that I would be firm with her, not allowing her to get away with some of the things that her family does, however, after reading this page I realize my approach is totally wrong and her family acts that way to prevent her from having an attack. Taking this stance also undermines any trust between us, which I now realize trust is of the utmost importance to her.
I’ve brought up some odd behaviors (probably based in her anxiety) to my family and it has now caused a distance between her and my family which of course means me and my family too. It doesn’t help that my parents are going through a divorce and both are in horrible financial positions with three kids still under 18. This has been difficult for me, but I can’t turn to my fiancé for support because of her issues with the way my parents are handling things. Mentioning my Mother propels us into an argument. It has been so difficult and frustrating dealing with all of the above. Reading this page has really helped me understand where she’s coming from a little better. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
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Update from my earlier post. Well instead of facing his problems, he decided to end things. My heart is broken, and not only was I cast away without a thought for my feelings, within a matter of a couple of weeks, he was in a relationship with a girl over 10 years younger than me oh and a model. She is WELCOME to his problems. The amount of lost sleep, hastle from friends and family, worry for what?? Someone who is too selfish to think of anyone else. My advise now. Run, Run like the wind before you’re reeled in.
What can I say? I have been with my fiancé for just over 3 years now. He has always kept to himself. He isn’t social and doesnt have any friends ( not even 1) due to his own choice. He has always had a underlying sense of anxiety. He never had any problems with it. It didn’t affect our relationship and we were so happy. 6 months ago out of the blue he had a panic attack. It was an extremely bad one and he thought he was having a heart attack and was dying. He ended up in hospital and they did all the tests and they didn’t know what was wrong. After he left the hospital he took a day off work which was fine. Then the following day he got up and dressed for work. When he got to the front door he bust out crying and started to freak out. I couldn’t send him to work like that. This happened 3 days in a row. I told him to quit his job ( he couldn’t keep calling in sick) I was unemployed at the time. I then got two jobs working 65 hrs a week to try and support us hoping he was just having a break down due to stress ect. This happened for just over a month. He then went back to work and had panic attackes once a week. We went to several doctors and they all said it was GAD and panic attacks. Since then he has done alot of research on the Internet and we were trying to find sonething to help. My aunty is a hypnotist and also does holographic kenitics and NLP. She has done 3 sessions on him so far ( we don’t live close ) for 3 weeks there the panic attackes stopes but the anxeity remained which was great. But now they are back every few days and the anxeity hasn’t stoped. We have our good days and our bad days. Yesterday was my 21st birthday. He worked during the day and when he got home he went to bed without saying much. Him I and friend were to go over to the chinese restaurant just to have dinner. I went to get him so we could go and he didn’t want to. So I just went with my friend. When I got home I told him I was going to go to the pub with my friend just to have a beer or two then I’d be back. He got really upset and pretty much told me just to go. I left the room and had to go back in 2mins later to get my wallet and he was on the bed sitting up with his hand on his heart rocking back and forth. Of course I couldn’t leave him like that so I told my mate I wasn’t going and went back into him as she left. When I went back in he was balling his eyes out and rocking back and forth. I calmed him down and told him to go have a shower. I went into the kitchen and put the candles on my cake lit them, sang happy birthday to myself and blew them out. I have my own issues and demons so to speak like all of us for example for the last 5 years now I have been miserable on my birthday. I tried to make this year different I was looking forward to a simple dinner with the one that means the most to me and he wasn’t there. He came down after his shower and we talked. Our argument seemed to just keep going round in circles. I said that maybe 2 days away from each other would give us time to think and maybe put a plan in place to get through this. And he said we need 1 week no contact. We have never been apart for more than 24 hours in 3 years. I know he loves me more than anything and I him. But how can I be there for him all the time when he is never there for me? He shows no affection. He doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. At random times he will snap at me and say really mean uncalled for things. I am hopeless and helpless. I am very sorry that this post is so long I didn’t intend for it to be. I have been dealing with this on my own for such a long time ( feels like forever to me) and I have no one to talk to because no one seems to fully understand. It is 3:48am at the moment and I havnt seen or spoken to him since 11pm yesterday night. And already I miss him so much. But this break should be good for us. Please I am desperate, if there is anyone that needs a support friend or just someone to vent to and vice versa I am here and in need of such a person. Anyone who has any advice at all please let me know. Maybe I’m dealing with his problem in a complete wrong way but as you would know there is no ‘idiots guide to’ to help me. I will never leave him and ill always be there for him but I need help. This is my email address ssezz8@hotmail.com I’m not sure if ur allowed to give out emails on here but that’s the least of my problems. Thank you for listening and once again sorry that it is so long winded. Kind regards Sarah
I believe this is what my boyfriend has. He;s grown up in a pretty bad household, where the adults in his life all hate each other. We’ve been dating almost a year, and he says I’ve shown him the most love of anyone. It isn’t that bad- yeet- but I just found out that he has never been out of the company of at least a large dog for more than the time it takes to drive to college, and I mean ever. He’s getting a little more clingy as time goes on, and freaks out if I don’t text back within a reasonable time frame. He is also unreasonably and constantly worried about me deciding he’s not worthy, and dumping him. Like, I said one thing I liked about one of my guy friends, and he started crying. I mean, maybe this isn’t it, but he’s seventeen, it isn’t like it’s going to go away on it’s own. I highly doubt, however, that his parents will get him help; is there anything we can do?
I posted around a year ago and left my husband of 20 years right around that time. We had a ‘good’ marriage but it was good b/c I let a lot of who I was go to serve his needs and be there for him at the expense of my own needs. When I finally started being “selfish” (God forbid, right!?) and thinking about what I wanted and NEEDED out of life, I decided I had to pull away. It was like jumping into a dark hole with only a hope there was something better on the other end. I can honestly say I do not regret what I’ve done although at times it’s been very lonely & scary. I am at peace and feel very little anxiety now – even though I work two full time jobs and am a single mom. I have no daily anxiety about “dirt on the floor” or other things that were very petty and also very draining. My husband and I get along better than ever (we’re still separated) and he knows he can’t ride me anymore about things he is anxious about. I married him to be my partner, not to be his caretaker and crutch and he is learning not to dump it all on me anymore – so it’s been valuable time for him. His GAD sapped the life out of me and I am the kind of person who is full of life. To folks reading this I’ll say: 1.) you alone can’t change anyone 2.) GAD sufferers can get well if they do cognitive behavioral therapy for a long time. 3.) if my husband had done it 5-10 yrs ago, we would still be married. 4.) if people around you are telling you you have anxiety issues and it’s affecting their life, you should really take heed and go to a therapist. You will be forever thankful you did.
Good luck to all! You are not alone.
Hi there,
Ive been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and hes recently been diagnosed with GAD. We both saw this coming for a while now. He is seeking help, but we’re both fairly young and I dont really know how to be supportive of him. Ive been doing a lot of research into GAD and medications and types of therapy and so on. I was wondering if anyone could recommend some good self help books for me to help me help him better?
I wish I know how to help my hushand…I am so exhaused now. He blame himself and I blame myself. I don’t know what to do. The poor 16 months old should receive better care if my husband do not have this disease.
thanks
After being separated from my husband for 7 months, I have just decided to seek a divorce. It is killing me to do this but my husband GAD has taken over our relationship. He is so afraid of change and moving on due to money, health issues and just basically any possible problem that may come along. I can know longer stay in limbo with our lives and want to enjoy the things we planned together. I have asked him for many years to seek help for his disorder and he does not think it is a problem. I feel badly about leaving a very kind man who is sick, but if he wont help himself it is unfair to be expected to live life this way. I am even limited to who I can confide in and ask for help because he would be so upset if people thought he had a problem.
I’m 36 and have I supposed not been lucky in love, never been married and I have no children. After years of rejection and mismatched love affairs, I met the man I am with right now. He’s sweet, caring we have insane amount in common and since this is about anxiety, a whopping big anxiety disorder. He has not had job since I’ve been with him (coming up on 2 years), he never leaves the house. He has no friends. He’s no so fixated on me that I can barely leave the room. I see my work now as a place to hide. However I like being with him, but the overwhelming negativity day to day is killing me. ‘Killing me’ seems overly dramatic sounding, but I suffered from terrible long bouts (years) of depression in my past. I am in danger of slipping into depression, I know that my health is already suffered. I’ve gained 40lbs since I met him. I suffer from recurring infections. I’m in trouble.
It helps to write this. The advice was good in the article. I need to follow it. If I was to read this from the outside I’d say walk away but he’s simply the best match for me in untold number of ways that I have ever met. But I worry about my chances of having children, of him becoming an equal contributing partner so that can happen. Can he get better??
I feel so terrible about being unable to pay meaningful attention to my boyfriend. The panic attacks have overwhelmed me…But thats not the problem…The problem is so much worse…
I have a sensory disorder..a neurological problem I was born with. All physical sensation is pain. Everything. I can barely touch myself without causing significant pain, and the more sensitive an area, the worse the pain. If I touch the wrong part of my stomach, my muscles contract from the extreme, sharp pain (Think: powerful electric shot/stabbing) And thats ME. My reflex when touched even by my boyfriend makes me yank away. I know this hurts him..I know he knows why and that its not his fault..
…But this essentially means we have no real physical relationship. He cant touch me. THe knowledge that human contact will never be possible for me is devestating enough…I dont want him to go through it too..I wouldnt wish this on anyone..
I dont know what to do.
WOW! I am new to this. My husband has been dealing with anxiety his whole life and it exploded about 9 months ago into what has now been diagnosed as GAD. He has always managed to find other ways to shed off the anxiety until now. All the issues that we have run into now seem like huge craters in the ground. I do see how draining it can be. Teh doctors have also diagnosed him with PTSD (from childhood) and so this has made things quite tricky. He is hypervigilent and the slightest movement right in front of him can startle. Luckily, we have a condo on the beach that he can stay in when it gets too difficult. This allows for peaceful environment when he can’t handle the stresses of everyday life. It has amazed me to see him crumble right in front of me.
Wow! Glad to see I’m not the only one going through this. My wife has major anxiety. She had a rough childhood and is emetaphobic. She is self aware of her issue but often takes them out on me. She makes me feel like I never do anything right. We don’t have much of a social life. We never go out aside from errands or our parents houses. I am a fairly social person and it’s really taking a toll on me. She can become very mean and hurtful. This makes it hard for me to want to take care of her. I love her but her words can be extremely hurtful. She does see a therapist and is trying different meds. She’s had bad reactions to every med she’s been on so far. I dont know what to do. My anxiety is through the roof and I explode in fits on frustration. I’m not a violent at all but I end up punching the wall or floor. I feel like I’m loosing my mind. Now I’m going to see a therapist starting next week.
This article has been such a help!! Sometimes I feel so guilty for wanting to break away sometimes and being so angry but, this has made me feel as if someone really understands what I’m going through from this side of it. So Thanks!!
I read this blog and very much believe this is what I am dealing with when it comes to my wife. We have been married for 5 years/ 2 kids and constantly dealing with these symptoms. My wife suffers from constant panic attacks. Over thinking worst case scenarios when it comes to our kids. Locks herself away in the bedroom when she gets depressed. Arguments lasting longer then they should. She was diagnoses and put on Lexapro(upon which she never told me about until I found it one day) but she self medicated herself to take herself off of it. Personally opinion was not the right decision. I try to ask her to get help but I feel like my pleads go know where. She is constantly having breakdowns. Yelling and screaming. I do feel like I am constantly stepping up and doing my best to deal with the kids, cleaning and cooking. My own morale has been brought down feeling like I am doing something wrong. I do feel that there are 2 me’s. As in how when my wife is there and when I am a lone. I am happier when I am a lone. I am on the edge. Ready to walk away. But having 2 kids I don’t want to put myself needs over the needs of my kids. My wife is constantly stating she wants a separation from me. I don’t know what to do. My wife means a lot to me and if you can multiply my kids as a factor. I feel if we were to divorce my kids would go to my wife. I don’t have any passed history like drugs, alcohol or jail sentence. Not to sound sexist I swear. I just feel the kids almost always go to the mother. I just want to know if anyone deals with this kind of situation and how they deal with issues. I just don’t know how to deal with a person who doesn’t see herself as being wrong or suborned.
Update on my husband. Ok – So he has seen several doctors and they agree that it is PTSD. We found a mirical drug that has actually worked for my husband. He is very sensitive to medicines and rarely takes them. It is called Clonazepam. This does make him sleepy; however, he is now able to be in the same room as me. I don’t feel like I am walking on pins and needles. It is a breath of fresh air. He doesn’t startle as easily and it has eased his anxiety. He takes half a pill 3 times a day. He does work out daily to help with the anxious feeling because his body seems to constantly dump adrenline into his system. This drug is a miracle for him.
My partner has extreme anxiety in that his mind races a lot. Not everyday but enough to have him up at night, tossing and turning keeping me awake. He thinks things are bad about someone or something when really nothing has yet happened. He looks into the future and makes up this way of how things will happen like he is seeing into the future. He told me about all the things on his mind the other day. There were dozens and dozens of things and half of them didn’t even need to be thought of. I am so worried about him and it causes us to have fights when I try to understand him. He won’t see a doctor as he doesn’t want to be made out to be having a ‘problem’ and thinks that he will be looked at like he is a freak. I love him dearly and don’t know what to do anymore. Please help.
Helen
Hi Helen
My fiancé is exactly the same, his mind races constantly so he is permanently tired but can’t sleep. He worries about things that won’t happen. He has partially accepted that he not only has depression but anxiety as well. I bought this amazing book that we are both reading called Self help for your nerves by phsychiatrist Claire Weekes. It’s such a help because it describes exactly how he feels to him and it makes me understand what he’s going through so I can be more helpful. It’s still a battle to get him to realise how to help himself because he is still in denial that these thoughts are not rational. Acceptance is the first step. I struggle to cope sometimes and feel that he will never get over this and our dreams of a normal happy life just won’t come true but I try and keep the dream in my heart and my head. It keeps me going.
I’m ready to bail. I’m tired. I’m not having this thorn at my side anymore. I’ve lost all my friends during 11 years of trying understand him and cope with him. I’ve also developed a habit of pushing away anyone else who wants to be close to me. I’ve even lost interest on all my hobbies and such. I no longer remember what it is we have in common anymore. My 2 sons are so attached to him because he coddled them so much on account that he “will die soon”. He’s admitted to his problem only AFTER we no long
er had medical insurance.